Shame in men Copenhagen
Stop hiding what you carry, and stand straighter for it
I help you meet the shame under the anger, the silence and the jokes
- Last updated October 19, 2026
What I want you to know about shame in men
In this short video, I explain why shame in men so often looks like anger, silence or overwork, and how we can work with what sits underneath.
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At a glance
Shame in men Copenhagen helps you work with the private sense that you are weak, a failure or somehow not man enough, and with the ways you hide it. It is individual psychotherapy, one hour at a time with 50 minutes of therapy, in English or Danish, at my central Copenhagen practice or on a video call.
I help you recognise shame when it is dressed up as anger, numbness, secrecy or relentless work, and loosen its hold so you can stop hiding. This is a focused branch of masculinity and identity therapy, part of my psychotherapy for men.
When you are ready, book a session or start with a free discovery call. You can also read my client policy or send me a message.
Is this the right page for you?
This is for you if…
Shame in men Copenhagen is for men who carry a heavy, private feeling of not being good enough as a man. You may look confident, funny or in control, while inside you dread being found out. You want to stop hiding and to feel you can stand in front of people as you are.
- You laugh off a mistake in front of colleagues, then lie awake for hours replaying how stupid you looked.
- You have a debt, a habit or a part of your past that nobody in your life knows about.
- You flare up when your partner points out something small, because it lands as proof that you are failing.
- You have not cried in front of anyone since you were a boy, and the thought of it makes you freeze.
- You avoid the doctor, the bank or the difficult email, because looking at it means admitting there is a problem.
- You compare your body, your income or your sex life with other men’s and always find yourself lacking.
- You keep friends at the level of football and work, because they might not respect the man underneath.
- You hear a voice calling you pathetic or useless when something goes wrong, and part of you believes it.
This is probably not for you if…
Shame touches many problems, and some of them need a more specific kind of help. If one of these sounds more like you, follow the link to the page that fits.
- You want to work on shame in a general way, not mainly on how it shows up in you as a man. → shame therapy
- Your shame clearly traces back to your father and the way he treated you. → father wound therapy
- You want to look more broadly at what kind of man you are, not only at shame. → masculinity and identity therapy
- You hide your needs and agree to everything so that people will like you. → nice guy syndrome therapy
- Secret porn use is what you feel most ashamed of and most want to change. → compulsive porn use therapy
- Your temper frightens the people around you, and that is the first thing to change. → anger management for men
- You feel bad about one specific thing you did, rather than about who you are. → guilt therapy
- You are in immediate danger, or you are thinking about ending your life. Please call 112, or 1813 for urgent mental health help in the Capital Region.
You can also send me an email
Client reviews
The reviews shown here are shared by clients who have worked with me in therapy and chosen to reflect on their experience. They are collected via Google and displayed through an independent verification service, offering an open and transparent picture of how my work is experienced.
Mark’s view
“Looking back over my 22 years of practice, I have rarely seen a man look ashamed. I have seen men look angry, busy, funny or completely fine. In men, shame tends to wear armour, because looking weak felt like the most dangerous thing a boy could do. Underneath, one voice asks ‘If you saw what I really am, would you still respect me?’ Another says ‘I will deal with this myself, and nobody needs to know.’ Sometimes the same man says both in one breath: ‘Stay, but do not look.’ My strong view is that a great deal of the anger I meet in men is shame in its armour, and the anger never settles for long until we meet what it protects.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
Connect with me:
If you want me to call you ASAP, or if you want to book me, use the buttons below.
You are welcome to get in touch. We can clarify what’s the right therapy for you.
You can also send me an email
A typical situation
Rafael is 39, Brazilian, and sells industrial pumps for a firm in Ballerup. He coaches his daughter’s football team, laughs loudly and is first to buy a round. Half a year ago he made a costly mistake on a big contract. Nobody was fired, but he has not told his wife how close it came. Now he checks his work email at 2 in the morning, snaps at his daughter over homework and has stopped going to Friday beers.
I would start not with the contract but with the moment he decided nobody could know. In our first session, Rafael would probably notice that the hiding now hurts more than the mistake ever did, and that he learned to hide long before Ballerup. Saying that aloud is often a relief in itself.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
This is when you need help with shame as a man
You have kept the feeling locked away for years, and it is taking more and more strength to keep the door shut.
There is no right time and no minimum level of shame you need to reach before you come. If you feel that you are hiding, that a voice in you keeps calling you weak, or that your relationships suffer because nobody really knows you, that is reason enough. You do not need a diagnosis or a full confession. In 22 years of practice, I have sat with a great many men carrying shame they had never spoken of, and I can tell when it has become a pattern.
I will help you see where the shame lives, what keeps it hidden and what needs to change. Use the 6 questions below to decide whether it is time.
Are you keeping a secret because you fear what people would think of you?
If so, take it seriously. Many men carry one: money trouble, a habit, a failure at work, something from years ago. The secret takes energy every day. You plan around it, keep conversations shallow and feel a jolt when someone gets near the subject.
I would look at what you fear would happen if it came out, and who you learned that fear from. That shows us whether this is one hard fact or a lifelong habit of hiding. If this is you, book a session with me. Nothing you say will shock me.
Do you want to be truly known, and dread being seen?
Both are real, and they protect different things. One part of you longs for someone to know you completely and stay. Another learned that being seen meant being mocked, punished or pitied. So you let people in halfway, then steer them back to safe ground.
I do not treat the hiding part as the enemy. It kept you safe once. I help you hear what each side is guarding, so you can choose what to show, to whom and when. The aim is not to strip you bare. It is to stop the hiding from choosing for you.
Do you scan every room for signs that you are being judged as weak?
Many men do, without ever saying so. A raised eyebrow in a meeting, a friend’s teasing or your partner’s sigh can feel like a verdict on your whole worth. You replay it, prepare comebacks and work twice as hard to make sure it never happens again.
Wanting respect is legitimate, and I will not make you wrong for it. I help you calm the alarm that fires before there is any real evidence. We look at the old fear it guards, and you practise saying “that bothered me” instead of going cold or striking back.
Do you open up, then feel exposed and slam the door?
This is one of the clearest signs of shame. You tell a friend something real after a few beers, or let your partner see you cry, and the next morning you feel sick with exposure. You go distant, make a joke of it or pick a fight, so it will not happen again.
I help you slow this down in the room, so we can find the moment closeness turns into danger. I respect why you protect yourself. I will also help you stay with the feeling a little longer, until you discover that being seen does not have to end in humiliation.
Do you disappear into work, the gym or a screen when you feel small?
Many men do. When a feeling of failure rises, you work late, train harder, scroll for hours or have another drink. It gives you a sense of control and keeps the feeling out of sight. The cost is that nothing gets resolved, and the people at home feel shut out.
My view is that this retreat is not laziness or coldness. It is a way to avoid being flooded, and I will not shame you for it. I help you notice what the distance protects you from, and find a way to say “I am not doing well” before you vanish.
Has shame decided what kind of man you are allowed to be?
Years of hiding can shrink a man. You stop dancing, singing, asking questions or trying new things in case you look foolish. You choose the safe career and the safe opinions. After a while, you no longer know what you would do if nobody were watching.
I help you separate who you really are from what shame has allowed. I will challenge you when you shrink, and I will not hand you a new identity. The aim is to find out what you value and what kind of man you want to be, without the old voice making the rules.
If any of this landed, request a free call to test the water, or book a session if you already know it is time.
You can also send me an email
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What working on shame with me will help you do
Understanding your shame matters, but you also need to live differently: speak up, stop hiding and let yourself be known.
I will help you see how shame works in you, where it began and what keeps it in place, and then change how you act when it rises. Insight alone does little here. Shame changes when you do something different in front of another person.
I take an active role. I have studied men’s work since 2010 and I am still very much a student of it. It adds to and deepens my psychotherapy rather than standing in for it. Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” describes the man who hides his needs and flaws to win approval, makes unspoken deals and avoids conflict, with shame underneath it all. Sam Keen’s “Fire in the Belly” shows how a man’s worth gets tied to work and winning, so that any failure feels like a failure of the self. Both help me show men what they are up against. These 6 questions describe what we work towards.
How will I help you find what sits under your shame?
I help you separate the shame from what it drives. The temper, the secrecy, the drinking or the overwork are real, but they are often ways of not feeling a single old sentence, such as “I am not enough” or “I am too much”.
I tell you what I see and which explanations keep you stuck, such as “I just have high standards”. We work with the body, because shame often shows up as heat in the face or a drop in the stomach before you can name it. Book a session with me when you want to begin.
How can you notice shame before it turns into anger or hiding?
You can learn to catch it early. Shame moves fast: a hot face, eyes going down, a sinking feeling, then within seconds a sharp answer or a quick exit. Once you know those first signs, you have a moment to choose what comes next.
In sessions, we slow recent moments right down, so you can see what set the shame off and how you covered it. Spotting it is only the beginning. We practise a different response until you can use it in a meeting, at dinner or in bed.
How can you steady yourself when shame floods you?
Steadying yourself does not mean pretending you feel fine. It means staying present enough to notice “this is shame” and not obey it. Shame wants you to hide or hit back. Regulation gives you a third option: to stay and breathe.
I help you recognise the flood earlier and understand what your body is responding to, often something older than the moment. We find simple ways of grounding that suit you. I will ask you to practise them between sessions, because that is where they start to work.
How can you tell someone the truth without collapsing or attacking?
Honest speech starts with knowing what you feel and what you need from the other person. Shame makes that hard. You either over-apologise, defend every point or say nothing at all, and the truth stays stuck.
Together we find words that are honest and in proportion. I challenge you when you go silent, and when you hand others the job of making your shame go away. We often rehearse a real conversation, with your partner, your boss or a friend, until you can say it plainly.
How can you make decisions that are not driven by fear of looking weak?
Choices get clearer when you separate the fear of judgement from what you actually want. Shame quietly makes many decisions for men: which job to take, whether to ask for help, whether to leave a relationship that has died.
I help you look at your options and what each one would ask of you. I will give you my view and point out when shame is doing the choosing. The decision stays yours, and the aim is one you can stand behind.
What does it feel like to live without hiding?
Lasting change shows up in ordinary moments. You admit a mistake at work and move on. You tell a friend the truth over coffee. You ask for help before things fall apart. Glover’s way out, honesty, boundaries and real friendships with other men, often becomes very practical.
Together we work out what should change and what should stay. Your pride, your standards and your wish to provide are not the problem. The goal is to let them come from self-respect rather than fear, so that you can be seen and still stand tall.
You can also send me an email
What happens when you begin working on shame with me
You do not need to tell me everything, or anything in particular, in the first hour. We begin where it feels possible.
When you begin, I listen carefully, help you name the core of the problem and give the work a direction. You decide what you share and when. Many men tell me the hardest part was booking, and that the hour itself felt easier than expected.
The work is focused individual psychotherapy, a structured look at you, your past and your relationships. If shame is mostly playing out between you and your partner, and your partner is willing, couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. If you sense this will take time, therapy discounts and bundles give you real savings and a plan that keeps you coming back.
What happens in our first session?
I ask what made you book now, where shame shows up in your life, what you have tried and what you want to be different. You set the pace. I ask a little about your family and school, because that is often where the hiding began.
By the end, I offer my first understanding and suggest a way forward, and you judge whether it feels useful. To talk it through before you commit, request a free 30-minute discovery call.
When is individual psychotherapy right for shame?
Almost always at the start. Shame lives in your history, your inner voice and the way you protect yourself, and it needs a private, steady place to come out. Many men can say things alone with me that they could never say in front of a partner.
One to one, you get continuity and honest challenge every week. You can read about my structured individual work on Psychotherapy Copenhagen.
When is couples therapy a better choice?
Couples therapy is better when the relationship itself needs sustained attention. If a secret has come out, if every criticism from your partner becomes a fight, or if one of you pursues while the other shuts down, working on it together often helps more.
With both of you there, I help you see the cycle, own your part and build more secure ways of relating. Couples therapy Copenhagen is long-term relational development and healing. Some men work on their shame alone first, then invite their partner in.
How often should you come?
That depends on how heavy the shame feels, how much room you have and how much continuity you need. Shame tends to close up again between sessions, so a steady rhythm helps it stay open long enough to change.
My advice is to start weekly or every second week. I will tell you if the gaps are too long, if a closer period makes sense or if we can space out. Back-to-back sessions over a few days are also possible when that suits your life better.
When does a bundle make sense for shame work?
A bundle makes sense when you know the work will take several sessions. Shame loves an exit, and after a session where you said something hard, the urge to cancel can be strong. A planned course takes that decision away.
The savings are significant, and a structured plan gives you something to hold on to. I will tell you whether one fits your situation. Compare the options on therapy discounts and bundles, or in the bundle cards further down the page.
How will we know the work has done its job?
It has done its job when shame no longer runs your choices, you can tell people the truth about yourself and you can carry on without the same support. Shame may still visit. It just no longer decides.
I review progress with you openly and do not encourage dependence. Sessions can become less frequent, pause or stop. If you come back later because something new has stirred old feelings, that is not failure. It is life.
How it works with me
- Start with a free 30-minute call or book your first session online. You do not have to explain the shame in writing. A short line is enough.
- Your session is one hour with 50 minutes of therapy, at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen or online, in English or Danish. Booking is possible from 08:00 until 21:00 Copenhagen time, all week, subject to availability.
- The usual rhythm at first is weekly or every second week. Between sessions, you notice when shame shows up and try what we have agreed.
- Every few sessions, we review honestly what has shifted. Together we decide whether to keep the pace, space out, focus on one area or finish.
- If you expect several sessions, a therapy bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you a clear plan from the start. You can see the bundles just below.
Save with a prepaid session bundle
How the bundle works
- Current bundle savings are shown on the Pricing page.
- Your bundle is valid for 180 days from the date of purchase.
- The bundle can only be used for the type of session stated on your invoice.
- If you request a refund, sessions already used are recalculated at the standard single-session price.
- The administration fee applied to a bundle refund is shown on the Pricing page.
- VAT follows the type of therapy included in the bundle: VAT-exempt sessions remain VAT exempt, while VAT-liable sessions include applicable VAT.
Compare with nearby options
Not sure where to start? Here is how this compares with the options men dealing with shame most often consider.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Shame in men (this page) | You carry a hidden sense of not being enough as a man. | Weekly 1-hour sessions at first |
| Father wound therapy | Your shame clearly began with your father. | Weekly or fortnightly at first |
| Masculinity and identity therapy | You want to look at what kind of man you are more broadly. | 1-hour sessions at your pace |
| Nice guy syndrome therapy | You hide your needs to be liked and avoid conflict. | A steady course of sessions |
Frequently asked questions
What do you offer for shame in men?
I offer individual psychotherapy for men who carry a deep, private sense of not being good enough, and who hide it behind anger, work, humour, secrecy or silence. It helps you understand where the shame comes from and how to stop being run by it. Sessions are in English or Danish, in central Copenhagen or online.
It is a sub-branch of my work on masculinity and identity, rooted in depth psychotherapy.
When should I come to you about shame?
Come when hiding is costing you closeness, sleep, health or self-respect, or when your reactions to small criticisms frighten you. You do not need to wait until something breaks. Your own sense that you are carrying too much alone is enough.
I look at how long the shame has been there and what you have stopped doing because of it. Many men who seem fine are quietly carrying this, and my article on struggling in silence describes that experience.
Can therapy help with shame I have carried since I was a boy?
Yes, often it can. Shame that began early is woven into how you learned to survive, which means it can also be understood and loosened as an adult. I do not offer quick fixes or promise how fast it will change.
In my clinical experience, men are often surprised how much lighter they feel simply after saying the thing out loud to someone who does not flinch. I would focus with you on what the shame protected you from then, and what it no longer needs to.
Will I have to tell you things I have never told anyone?
Only when you are ready, and only what you choose. I will not force anything out of you. Many men start with the edges of the story and get to the centre later, and that works fine.
It helps to know whether what you carry is shame about who you are or guilt about something you did. If it is more about guilt, my article on how to stop feeling guilty is a good place to begin.
Why do I get angry when I actually feel ashamed?
Because anger feels stronger than shame. Shame makes you feel small and exposed, and anger puts you back on your feet in a second. Other men go quiet and cold instead. Both are ways of protecting yourself, and neither makes you a bad man.
I help you notice the moment shame turns into anger or silence, what that move protects and what it costs the people close to you. Then we practise steadier options, such as saying “that hurt” instead of going on the attack.
What if I find it hard to talk in the first session?
That is completely normal, and we can start there. I ask simple questions about your life now and what made you book. We can talk about the shame directly or come at it from the side. By the end, you will have my honest first view.
You do not need to prepare. “I do not know where to start” is a perfectly good opening. When the time feels right, book your first session, or begin with a free discovery call.
How many sessions does shame work usually take?
Plan for a course over several months, usually weekly or every second week at first. Shame that runs deep, or that is tied up with a secret, a habit or a long relationship, often needs longer.
With 22 years of practice behind me, I recommend that we agree a first stretch and then review it honestly. You decide with me whether to continue, slow down or stop.
Is online easier than coming in person for something this private?
Come in person if you can. Sitting in a room with someone who sees you and does not turn away is part of what heals shame. Online works well too, especially if you travel, live outside Copenhagen or need a gentler first step.
Both are the same psychotherapy, in English or Danish, and sessions last just as long. If you are unsure, we can decide together on a free call.
What does working on shame with you cost?
Like all my individual psychotherapy, it is booked as 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy. The current price is on my prices page. Payment is by invoice and bank transfer.
If you expect a run of sessions, a bundle brings the cost down by 10 per cent and gives you a structured plan, see therapy discounts and bundles. Paying on the day from a Danish bank account saves a further 3 per cent.
How do I book a session with you?
Book your first session directly, or ask for a free 30-minute discovery call if you want to hear my voice first. You do not need to say much in advance.
If none of the times work, or you are struggling right now, contact me directly. Some space is kept free for acute situations, usually within days.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
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