Nice guy syndrome therapy Copenhagen
Stop trading your needs for approval and start living honestly
I help you drop the hidden deals and say what you actually want
- Last updated October 23, 2026
What I want you to know about being the nice guy
In this short video, I explain why being the nice guy so often leaves you resentful and unseen, and what changes when you start being honest about what you want.
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At a glance
Nice guy syndrome therapy Copenhagen helps men who have spent years being agreeable, helpful and easy to be around, and who feel quietly unseen and resentful underneath. You come on your own, for 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy, in English or Danish, at my practice in central Copenhagen or online.
I help you see the bargain you have been living by, often learned long ago: be good, ask for little, and you will be loved. This page is part of my psychotherapy for men. If one side of the pattern dominates, I have more specific help for people-pleasing in men and conflict avoidance in men.
To take the next step, request a free discovery call, book a session, read my client policy or write to me.
Is this the right page for you?
This is for you if…
Nice guy syndrome therapy Copenhagen is for men who have built their lives around being the good guy, and are tired of what it costs them. You are reliable, considerate and rarely any trouble, yet you feel overlooked at home, at work and in your love life. You want to stop hiding what you need and start being taken seriously as yourself.
- You do kind things for your partner, keep a silent score and feel hurt when nothing comes back.
- You are often told you are a great guy, and still feel invisible to the people closest to you.
- You hide your mistakes, your moods and your mess, because you believe people would like you less if they saw them.
- Your partner seems to respect you a little less each year, and the spark has cooled without a single row.
- You feel a flash of resentment when someone asks for what they want so easily, as if they have broken a rule.
- You have plenty of acquaintances but no man you could ring at midnight to say that things are not going well.
- Your frustration comes out sideways, as sarcasm, lateness, forgetting or a sudden coldness you never explain.
- You wonder who you would be if you stopped trying so hard to be liked, and the question frightens you.
This is probably not for you if…
Some men need a more specific kind of help. If one of these fits you more closely, the linked page is the better place to start.
- Your main struggle is the automatic yes to every request, at work and at home. → people-pleasing in men
- Your partner is willing to come, and the relationship itself is what needs the work. → couples therapy
- You want to look at your life as a man more broadly, not at one pattern. → psychotherapy for men
- Your swallowed frustration has turned into a temper that frightens you or the people around you. → anger management for men
- The difficulty lives mainly in your relationship, and you want to work on yourself as a partner. → therapy for men in relationships
- Your questions are bigger than niceness: who you are as a man and who you want to become. → masculinity and identity therapy
- You mostly go silent, give in or walk away when a disagreement starts. → conflict avoidance in men
- You are in immediate danger, or you are thinking about ending your life. Please call 112, or 1813 for urgent mental health help in the Capital Region.
You can also send me an email
Client reviews
The reviews shown here are shared by clients who have worked with me in therapy and chosen to reflect on their experience. They are collected via Google and displayed through an independent verification service, offering an open and transparent picture of how my work is experienced.
Mark’s view
“In the last few months alone, I have sat with man after man who believed his problem was that he was not nice enough yet. One more favour, one more compromise, and surely he would finally be appreciated. I disagree. The niceness is not a virtue that went unrewarded. It is a strategy that keeps you hidden. Underneath it I hear ‘If I give enough, will you finally choose me?’ and, just as often, ‘I will deal with my own needs quietly, so nobody has to see them.’ Some men carry a third voice at the same time: ‘Notice me, but please do not look too closely.’ The work begins when you stop trying to be good and start being honest.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
Connect with me:
If you want me to call you ASAP, or if you want to book me, use the buttons below.
You are welcome to get in touch. We can clarify what’s the right therapy for you.
You can also send me an email
A typical situation
Tobias is 39, a Dutch engineer who has lived in Copenhagen for 8 years with his Danish partner and their 2 children. He does the school runs, fixes friends’ bikes and never complains. On Friday he cooked her favourite dinner after a long week, hoping she would finally notice how hard he tries. She thanked him and went to bed early. He sat up alone with a beer, furious, and ashamed of being furious. He cannot remember the last time he asked anyone for anything.
I would start with that Friday evening and the deal hidden inside the dinner: I give you this, so you will give me closeness. In our first session, Tobias would probably see how often he makes bargains like that without ever saying them aloud, and how old the habit is.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
This is when you need nice guy syndrome therapy with me
You have tried harder and harder to be good enough, and it has left you more resentful and less seen.
There is no single right time or right reason to come. If being the easy, accommodating one is costing you self-respect, closeness or joy, that is reason enough. You do not need a diagnosis, a crisis or a ruined relationship first. In 22 years of practice, I have met this pattern in men from every background, and I recognise when good manners have hardened into a way of life that needs attention.
In sessions, I usually begin by looking at what you give, what you secretly hope to get back and what you never let anyone see. These 6 questions can help you tell whether the nice guy pattern is running your life.
Are you running on resentment you never show?
If you are, take it seriously. You track everyone’s mood, edit what you say and keep a quiet ledger of what you have done for whom. By evening you are drained and short-tempered, and you reach for a beer or your phone just to have time that asks nothing of you.
I would look at where the resentment collects and which unvoiced needs it points to. That shows whether this is a hard season or a lasting pattern. If this sounds like you, book a session with me and we will look at it together.
Do you want to be liked by everyone and also respected as your own man?
Both wishes can live in you at once, because they protect different things. Being liked keeps you safe from rejection. The wish for respect comes from the part of you that is tired of agreeing. You may swing between them: accommodating everyone one day, privately furious the next that nobody takes you seriously.
I do not treat the part that wants approval as weak, or the part that wants respect as the hero. I help you hear what each one protects, so your choices come from you rather than from whichever part is loudest. The aim is not to stop caring what people think, but to stop letting their approval decide who you are.
Does a hint of disapproval send you scrambling to make things right?
For many nice guys it does. A short reply from your partner or a cool look from a colleague sets off an alarm that something is wrong, and that it is your fault. You replay the conversation, offer help nobody asked for or apologise for nothing, until the warmth returns.
Your wish for closeness is legitimate, and I will not shame it. What I help you change is the alarm that fires before there is any real sign of trouble, and the habit of buying back warmth with effort. You learn to ask directly, “Are we all right?”, and to live with the answer.
Do you long to be close, then feel trapped once someone relies on you?
Yes, and it confuses you as much as anyone. You want to be truly seen, yet when your partner leans on you, you feel responsible for their happiness and want to escape. Your kindness draws people in, then the expectations it created smother you.
I help you slow this down to find the moment wanting turns into wanting out. Usually it is where you feel you must give more than you have, because no feels impossible. I will also ask you to own the way you disappear on people, and help you stay close while keeping something for yourself.
Do you retreat into a private world when the demands pile up?
Many nice guys keep a hidden room of their own. When other people’s needs feel endless, you disappear into work, games, a few beers or long hours at the gym. The cost is that the people closest to you meet a pleasant man who is never quite there.
This retreat does an important job, and I will not shame you for needing time alone. I help you see what it protects you from, so you can claim space openly instead of escaping in secret. A man who says “I need tonight to myself” is easier to be close to than one who silently vanishes.
Has being the good guy left you unsure who you actually are?
After years of adjusting yourself, it is easy to lose track of your own opinions and desires. You say “I’m easy” about food, holidays and evenings out, and mean it, because you no longer know. Underneath there is often shame, a sense that the real you would not be welcome. Your identity is not damaged. It has been kept in storage.
I help you sort what is genuinely yours from what you learned in order to belong. I will push back when you make yourself small, and I will not hand you a new identity. The aim is to know what you stand for and what kind of life fits the man you actually are.
If this sounds familiar, a free call is a good first step, and you can book a session straight away if you already know you want to begin.
You can also send me an email
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What nice guy syndrome therapy with me will help you do
Seeing the pattern is a start, but you also need to change how you ask, refuse, want and show up.
Nice guy syndrome therapy with me will help you understand why you hide your needs, see what keeps you there and make changes the people around you will notice. But understanding the pattern while acting it out every day changes very little.
I take an active role, and I will challenge you when an explanation keeps you stuck. My core work is integrative psychotherapy, and since 2010 I have also been a student of men’s work, which has added to and deepened that training. Eli Buren, a dear friend and mentor, has been a central influence, and I have sat in his work many times. Here I lean most on Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”: the man who hides his needs and flaws to win approval, and the way out through honesty, boundaries and real friendship with other men. These 6 questions describe what we work towards.
How will I help you see the hidden deals you make?
I help you separate the core of the pattern from its symptoms. The resentment and the tiredness are real, but they are consequences. At the centre you usually find unspoken deals, what Glover calls covert contracts: I will be generous, so you will appreciate me. I will ask for nothing, so you will never leave.
I tell you which deals matter most and which explanations keep you stuck, such as “I am just a generous person”. We look at where the bargain began, often in a family where being easy was the safest way to be loved. When you want to look at your own deals, book a session with me.
How can you catch the nice guy reflex before it takes over?
You can learn to notice it early. There is usually a sequence: a tightening in your chest when someone wants something, a quick scan of their face, the polite smile, then the yes or the swallowed opinion. Once you can recognise the first link, you have a moment in which to choose differently.
I help you slow that sequence down and see what triggers it and what it costs you. We practise a different response in the room, and you take it into a real conversation that week.
How can you handle the guilt that comes when you stop being agreeable?
Staying steady does not mean feeling nothing. It means noticing the guilt and the urge to smooth things over, and still choosing how you act. The first times you say what you want, your body may react as if you have done something dangerous.
I help you understand what your nervous system is bracing for, often the cold silence or the temper of someone you depended on as a boy. We find ways of riding out the discomfort without rushing to repair it, and you practise between sessions.
How can you ask for what you want without apologising first?
Asking clearly begins with knowing what you want and believing you are allowed to want it. Many nice guys hint, hope and wait to be noticed, or wrap a request in so much apology that nobody can hear it.
I help you find words that are honest and specific, without the cushion of apology. I will challenge you when you silence yourself, and when you expect your partner or your boss to guess. We often rehearse the actual sentence you need to say. My article on boundaries in a relationship may help you prepare.
How can you choose for yourself without needing everyone to agree?
Clearer decisions come when you separate the fear of disappointing people, old obligations and habit from what you actually know and value.
I help you weigh your options and notice whose approval you are still seeking. I will name it when you hide behind other people’s preferences, but the choice stays yours. David Deida’s “The Way of the Superior Man”, on living from your deepest purpose rather than the wish to please, is a useful compass here.
What does life look like when you stop being the nice guy?
It does not mean becoming unkind. Change shows up in ordinary places: the evening you say you are tired instead of cooking anyway, the meeting where you disagree, the friend you finally ask for help. You may need firmer boundaries, time with other men and a few habits that are simply for you.
Together we sort out what should change and what should stay. The goal is a man who is generous by choice rather than by fear, who can be disliked now and then and still know he is all right.
You can also send me an email
What happens when you begin nice guy syndrome therapy with me
You do not need to have the pattern figured out or the right words for it. I start with your life as it is now.
When you begin, I listen carefully, help you name what is really going on and give the work a clear direction. I do not expect a diagnosis or a tidy account of your childhood. A vague feeling of being taken for granted is a perfectly good place to start.
This is a focused form of psychotherapy, structured individual work on your inner life and relationships. If the relationship needs the attention and your partner is willing, couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. If you know the work will take time, my therapy discounts and bundles give you real savings and an agreed plan.
What happens in a first session about being too nice?
I ask what brought you now, where being nice is costing you most, what you have already tried and what you want to be different. I listen for the deals you make and the needs you keep out of sight. Your whole life story can wait.
By the end, I give you my first understanding of the pattern and propose a direction, and you judge whether it feels useful. If you would like to hear my voice before booking, request a free 30-minute discovery call.
When is individual therapy the right choice for the nice guy pattern?
Individual therapy is the right choice when the pattern lives in you: in the way you learned to earn love, the shame you carry about your needs and how you show up at work and at home.
I keep the thread from week to week, and I will tell you honestly when you slip back into the old deal. Psychotherapy Copenhagen shows where this sits in my wider individual work.
When is couples therapy a better choice than working on the nice guy pattern alone?
Couples therapy is the better choice when the relationship itself needs sustained attention: when the same distance keeps returning, or you are caught in a cycle where you give and wait while your partner feels pressured and pulls away.
With both of you in the room, I help you see the give-and-wait cycle, take responsibility for your own part and build more secure ways of being together. Couples therapy Copenhagen is long-term relational development and healing. Many men do some individual work first, so they arrive with their own voice.
How often should you come?
The pace depends on how deep the pattern goes and how much room you have right now. Habits of a lifetime change through regular practice rather than one big insight.
My recommendation is weekly or every second week to start. I will tell you if sessions are too far apart for anything to build, if a closer period would help, or if the work is ready to become less frequent. If work or travel makes weekly sessions hard, we can also plan a few back-to-back sessions over 2 or 3 days.
When does a bundle make sense for this work?
A bundle makes sense when you know the work will take a series of sessions and want continuity, not a fresh decision after every appointment. For a man used to putting himself last, committing a block of time to himself is already part of the work.
A bundle brings significant savings and the safety of a structured plan for this work. The options are on my therapy discounts and bundles page and in the cards below.
How will we know when the work is done?
The work has done its job when you can say what you want, refuse what you do not want and let someone be disappointed, without needing me to steady you afterwards.
I review progress with you openly, and I have no interest in you needing me for ever. Sessions can thin out, pause or stop when the work is done, and coming back later with something new does not mean it failed.
How it works with me
- Ask for a free 30-minute call or book your first session, whichever feels easier. Tell me briefly where being the nice guy costs you most, so I can check this is the right place to start.
- The first meeting is a 1-hour appointment with 50 minutes of therapy, just the 2 of us, at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen or online, in English or Danish. I see clients between 08:00 and 21:00 Copenhagen time, every day of the week, subject to availability.
- At first we usually meet weekly or every second week, and you try one honest move in your life between sessions.
- Every few sessions we review what has changed in how you ask, refuse and relate, and decide whether to keep the pace, space sessions out or finish.
- If you expect several sessions, a therapy bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you a clear plan from the start. You can see the bundles just below.
Save with a prepaid session bundle
How the bundle works
- Current bundle savings are shown on the Pricing page.
- Your bundle is valid for 180 days from the date of purchase.
- The bundle can only be used for the type of session stated on your invoice.
- If you request a refund, sessions already used are recalculated at the standard single-session price.
- The administration fee applied to a bundle refund is shown on the Pricing page.
- VAT follows the type of therapy included in the bundle: VAT-exempt sessions remain VAT exempt, while VAT-liable sessions include applicable VAT.
Compare with nearby options
Not sure this is the right starting point? Here is how it compares with the nearest options.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Nice guy syndrome therapy (this page) | Being the good guy has left you resentful, unseen and unsure what you want. | Weekly 1-hour sessions at first |
| People-pleasing in men | The automatic yes at work and at home is the main thing you want to change. | 1-hour sessions, weekly or fortnightly |
| Conflict avoidance in men | You go silent, give in or walk away whenever a disagreement starts. | A focused course of 1-hour sessions |
| Psychotherapy for men | You want to look at several areas of your life as a man, not one pattern. | 1-hour sessions at a pace you choose |
Frequently asked questions
What is nice guy syndrome therapy with you?
Nice guy syndrome therapy with me is individual psychotherapy for men who hide their needs and flaws to be liked, and who feel resentful, unseen or stuck as a result. It is not a diagnosis, but a name for a familiar pattern. We can work in English or Danish, at my practice in the centre of Copenhagen or online.
My page on codependency and people pleasing therapy is for anyone who loses themselves in caring for others, while this one is about how the pattern shapes a man: the good guy identity, the hidden deals and the shame about having needs.
When should I come to you about being too nice?
Come when being agreeable is costing you respect, closeness, energy or your sense of who you are, or when resentment has started to leak out in ways you do not like. If the good guy role has started to feel like a costume, that is reason enough.
In 22 years of practice, I have learned to look at how long the pattern has run and what you have stopped wanting because of it. My article on people pleasing describes the wider pattern if you want to read first.
Can therapy help if I have been the nice guy all my life?
Yes, often it can. A lifelong pattern was learned for good reasons, usually in childhood, and what was learned can change. I cannot promise how fast, and I do not offer quick fixes.
In my clinical experience, men who have been nice all their lives often discover that it once kept them safe, perhaps with a volatile parent or in a family where needs were treated as selfish. I would focus with you on what the niceness protected then, and what you can afford to let go of now.
Will I become hard or selfish if I stop being so nice?
No. Men often fear that the only alternative to nice is cruel, but that is the pattern talking. What we work towards is being honest and kind at once: saying what you want, hearing what others want and negotiating openly.
In my experience, the people around you usually find you easier to trust once you stop pleasing them, because they finally know where they stand.
Why do I give and give, and then feel bitter or pull away?
Because the giving often has a hidden hope attached. When the appreciation, closeness or desire you hoped for does not arrive, the disappointment has nowhere to go, so it turns into bitterness or quiet withdrawal. It is a way of seeking love that you learned a long time ago.
I help you put the hope behind the giving into words, so the other person can respond to it. Then we work on asking directly, giving only what you give freely and stepping back openly rather than going cold.
What will you ask me in the first session?
I start with now: where the pattern shows up most, what you give, what you hope for and what you want to be different. I also ask a little about home when you were young. By the end, you will hear my first understanding and a proposed direction.
You do not need to prepare. Whenever you feel ready, book your first session, or start with a free discovery call if that is easier.
How many sessions will I need?
I usually recommend planning for a course of sessions over a few months, weekly or every second week, rather than a couple of conversations. If the niceness is tied up with older hurt or a harsh home, it usually takes longer.
I would rather you commit to a clear first stretch, see your pattern clearly and review it honestly than drift. Then you and I decide whether to continue, slow down or stop.
My partner suggested I come. Should I start alone or bring them?
Start alone. It is very common for a partner, a friend or a brother to say “you need to talk to someone”, and that is a good enough reason to come. But this work is about finding your own voice, which is easier when you are not managing anyone else’s reaction in the room.
If the relationship becomes the main focus later, we can talk about couples therapy together. If you are unsure, we can decide on a free call before you book.
What does nice guy syndrome therapy with you cost?
Individual psychotherapy is booked in 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy, and the current price is on my prices page. You pay by invoice and bank transfer.
If you plan a series of sessions, a bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you a structured plan, as you can see on therapy discounts and bundles. If you pay the same day from a Danish bank account, you save a further 3 per cent.
How do I get started with you?
Book your first session online today, or request a free 30-minute discovery call if a conversation first feels better.
If none of the available times suit you, contact me directly and we will find a way. Then book, and we will start with the man you are today.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
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Individual psychotherapy
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