Avoidant attachment therapy Copenhagen
Let people closer without losing the freedom you rely on
I help you stay present when closeness asks more of you than feels safe
- Last updated October 18, 2026
Why needing nobody can quietly cost you everyone
In this short video, I talk about where self-reliance comes from, and how to hold on to what is good in it while letting someone reach you.
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At a glance
Avoidant attachment therapy Copenhagen helps when intimacy sends you into silence, work or your own head, and those closest to you feel locked out. The sessions are individual, 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy, held in English or Danish at my practice in central Copenhagen or online.
We explore what keeping your distance has spared you, where you learned to count only on yourself and how to remain in contact for longer without feeling caged. This page sits under attachment therapy within my psychotherapy. If you are more often the one who fears being left, anxious attachment therapy is the closer match. If you swing hard between wanting and fleeing, look at disorganised attachment therapy.
The simplest start is to book a session or arrange a free discovery call. Practical details are in my client policy, and questions are welcome through my contact page.
Is this the right page for you?
This is for you if…
Avoidant attachment therapy Copenhagen is for capable, self-reliant adults who feel an urge to retreat whenever someone gets truly close. You may be calm in a crisis and good at your job, while partners and friends say they never quite know what you feel. You want to keep your independence and still let someone in.
- You feel a quiet relief when a partner goes away for a few days, and then feel guilty for feeling it.
- You go blank or change the subject when someone asks how you really feel, even when you want to answer.
- You notice small faults in a partner once things get serious, and start wondering whether you should leave.
- You would rather solve a problem yourself, however long it takes, than ask anyone for help with it.
- You hear “I feel shut out” from people you care about, and you do not know what they want you to do.
- You keep part of your life private, such as plans, worries or money, even from the person closest to you.
- You feel crowded when someone wants to talk things through at length, and you leave the room in your head.
- You suspect your self-sufficiency is costing you something, but you are not sure what life would look like without it.
This is probably not for you if…
Pulling back from people has more than one root, and a different page may serve you better. Look through these first.
- You mostly fear being left, and the distance you create is a reaction to feeling hurt or rejected. → anxious attachment therapy
- Wanting someone and dreading them arrive together, the pattern some people call fearful avoidant. → disorganised attachment therapy
- You are not sure which pattern fits you, and want to look at attachment as a whole. → attachment therapy
- You know your pattern well and now want to practise a steadier, more trusting way of relating. → building secure attachment
- Relationships rarely get going for you at all, and you want to know what keeps you single. → therapy for wondering why you are single
- Good things in your career and love life tend to fall apart just as they take off, often by your own hand. → self-sabotage therapy
- Both you and your partner want to tackle the gap between you, in the room together. → couples therapy
- You are in immediate danger, or you are thinking about ending your life. Please call 112, or 1813 for urgent mental health help in the Capital Region.
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Client reviews
The reviews shown here are shared by clients who have worked with me in therapy and chosen to reflect on their experience. They are collected via Google and displayed through an independent verification service, offering an open and transparent picture of how my work is experienced.
Mark’s view
“Since my first client in 2004, I have sat with countless people labelled cold by a partner, and almost none who truly were. What I see instead is someone who learned early that needing others was not worth the risk. The mistake is to treat your independence as the problem. It is not. The problem is that it has become your only option. When a partner asks ‘Why won’t you let me in?’, you may be asking yourself ‘Can I please just have some room to breathe?’. Now and then a third voice slips in, ‘Do not go, but do not step nearer either.’ I am not here to make you dependent. My job is to make closeness a choice you can actually make.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
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You are welcome to get in touch. We can clarify what’s the right therapy for you.
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A typical situation
Hannah, 38, is an architect who moved from Hamburg to Copenhagen 6 years ago. Her partner Lars wants them to move in together. She has said yes in principle and keeps finding reasons to wait: a project deadline, the lease, the cat. When he wants to talk about it, she feels her chest tighten and answers in short, sensible sentences. Afterwards she goes for a long cycle ride alone and feels better. She loves him and cannot understand why the thought of sharing a home makes her want to run.
I would begin with what Hannah feels in her body during those conversations, not with what she thinks about Lars. Within a first session, she would likely notice that the tightness has little to do with Lars. It is an old certainty, learned in a home where feelings were handled politely and alone, that being close means losing herself.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
This is when you need avoidant attachment therapy with me
You have managed perfectly well on your own for years, and still the people you love keep telling you they feel far away.
People with this pattern often wait a long time before coming, because on the surface nothing is wrong. You work, you cope, you get on with things. Yet if partners keep leaving for the same reason, if you feel numb where others feel moved, or if you sense that life is happening at a distance, that is reason enough. No diagnosis or breakdown is needed first. Across 22 years of practice this way of coping has come through my door again and again, and I can recognise when it has begun to take more from you than it gives.
My view is direct: self-reliance is a strength, and it has become a cage when you cannot put it down. Together we will chart what goes on in you as another person moves nearer, what holds you back and where change is possible. These 6 questions may show you whether it is time to start.
Do partners keep telling you they cannot reach you?
If they do, listen to it, even if it frustrates you. Perhaps you hear “I never know what you are feeling”, or “You are here, but not really here”. From the inside, it may feel unfair. You show up, you help, you are loyal. Yet when the talk turns to feelings, you go practical, joke it away or find something that needs doing. Over time partners give up asking, and the relationship cools.
I would want to see whether this comes up with one person or with several, and whether it shows in friendships and family too. One partner who wants more closeness than you is a difference in temperament. The same complaint from person after person usually points to a pattern worth working on. Should that be your experience, book a session with me and we can explore it.
Do you want a close relationship, and still feel safest when you are alone?
Yes, both can be true, because they protect different things. Part of you genuinely wants a partner, a home, someone who knows you. Another part has learned that relying on others ends in disappointment or in being swallowed, so it keeps a door open and a bag half packed. You may choose partners who live far away or who are busy, or feel calmest in a relationship when it is going through a quiet patch.
I do not see your wish for space as the unhealthy side and your wish for closeness as the healthy one. Each is guarding something real. In our work I help you get to know both, so that you can choose how close to come rather than being pushed back by a reflex. The aim is not to give up your freedom. It is to have closeness and freedom both, in a form that fits you.
Do you get uneasy when someone seems to need you very much?
For many people with this pattern, being needed feels heavier than needing. When a partner is upset and wants comfort, when a friend calls again and again, or when someone says “I cannot do this without you”, you may feel a rising pressure to get away. Silence after an argument can actually feel calmer than the conversation. You might find yourself checking out, waiting for the storm to pass.
That pressure tells us something important, and we take it seriously rather than judging it. I help you find out what being relied on stirs in you, often a memory of carrying too much too young, or of a parent whose needs filled the room. Then we practise staying for a few minutes longer, and saying plainly what you can and cannot give. If you are the partner who feels the opposite, the one who reaches and waits, anxious attachment therapy looks at that side.
Do you drift back towards someone once they finally stop pursuing you?
It happens often, and it can confuse everyone involved. While a partner is pressing for more, you feel crowded and cool off. When they give up and step back, you start to miss them, send a warm message or suggest a weekend away. Then, as they come closer again, the pressure returns and the cycle repeats. It can feel as though you only want people once they are a little out of reach.
We slow this down and look for the exact moment the pull reverses. There is nearly always a trigger: talk of next summer, a partner’s tears, an invitation to meet their parents. These moves protect you, and I honour that. You will still be asked to face what they do to the person on the other end. If the swing is violent or chaotic, rather than a slow tide, disorganised attachment therapy may describe you better.
Do you shut down when feelings run high, yours or someone else’s?
Many people do, and it often looks like calm from the outside. In an argument your voice goes flat, your thoughts slow and you suddenly have nothing to say. When a partner cries, you feel a strong urge to fix the problem or leave the room. Afterwards you may feel relieved, or numb, or quietly ashamed that you could not do better. The more intense it gets, the further away you go.
In my view, this shutting down is not indifference. It is your system protecting you from a flood. I help you notice it starting, often in your breathing or your shoulders, and find ways to stay a little more present without being overwhelmed. You learn to say “Give me 10 minutes, I want to finish this talk” and to return when the 10 minutes are up. That one change can transform a relationship. My article on fear of intimacy explores why closeness can feel so threatening.
Has managing alone become so normal that your own needs have gone silent?
Self-reliance can quietly empty out your inner life. If you learned early that your feelings were too much, or that nobody would come, you may have stopped noticing what you feel at all. Asked what you want, you might answer with what is practical. Needs may show up only as irritation, tiredness or a vague sense that something is missing. Nothing in you is broken. You adapted, skilfully, to a world that did not meet you.
I help you find out what lies underneath the competence: wishes, longings, grief, even anger that never had anywhere to go. Often the trail leads back through your family line, to homes where coping alone earned praise and needing someone earned silence. When you wave your own feelings away, I will notice and say so, while who you become stays your decision. For more on this, read my article on hyper-independence.
If any of this rings true, a free call is a low-pressure way to start, and you can also book a session directly.
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What avoidant attachment therapy with me will help you do
Seeing why you keep your distance is useful, and the real gain comes when you can stay, speak and stay connected in the moments that used to send you away.
The aim is practical. You learn to feel the shift inside you as intimacy builds, catch the habits that open a gap and try out different ones with real people in your life. People with this pattern are often very good at understanding things in theory. That can become another way of staying safe. Insight that never reaches the body or the relationship changes very little.
From 22 years in practice, I know this work needs a therapist who does not let you hide behind good explanations. Expect me to comment when you turn quiet or vague in our sessions, since that is often the pattern happening live. I will guide you and gently push. These 6 questions outline what we work towards.
For men: conflict avoidance in men.
How will I help you understand what your distance shields you from?
We look past the distance to what it guards. The late nights at the office, the walls in conversation and the urge to leave a relationship that is going well are real, but they are strategies, not the whole of you. Beneath them there is usually a fear of being swallowed, controlled or let down, and a deep conviction that you are safest on your own.
I give you my professional reading, plainly. You will hear what I believe the distance guards, which moments set it off and which stories keep it in place, for example “I am just an independent person” or “they are too needy”. Sometimes that is partly true. Rarely is it the whole story. Whenever you want to start, book a session with me.
How can you catch yourself pulling away while it is still happening?
Yes, and catching it live is the turning point. Pulling away usually has early signs: a heaviness when a partner says “we need to talk”, a sudden interest in your phone, a sense of the room getting smaller, a thought such as “this is too much”. Each of those is a moment when you could stay instead.
In sessions we replay recent moments slowly and map your sequence step by step. Then we practise something different at each point: breathing into the tightness, naming it aloud, staying for one more sentence. Knowing the sequence is not enough on its own. You try the new response at home, and we look honestly at how it went.
How can you stay present when closeness feels overwhelming?
Presence here is not about forcing big feelings or faking ease. It means holding on to the connection while you notice your reaction and decide what to do with it. Some of your discomfort is a genuine signal that you need space. Some is an old reflex reacting to closeness itself. With practice, your body learns to sort one from the other.
We map the bodily cues that come just before you vanish and work out what your system is bracing for. Then we build ways to steady yourself, often physical ones, since talking alone may not reach the reflex. Regular practice between sessions is essential, and I will ask you for it.
How can you ask for space without leaving people feeling rejected?
Name the need early, long before it becomes an emergency. Many people with this pattern take space by disappearing, going quiet or simply leaving, without explaining. The other person fills the silence with their own fears. Your need for room is legitimate. The way it is taken is what usually causes the hurt.
We work on phrasing that is clear, warm and concrete, such as “I am not leaving, I need an hour alone and then I will come and find you”. I challenge silence as a substitute for speaking, and I also challenge the idea that you must say yes to every request for closeness. Often we rehearse the words together until they feel like your own.
How do you tell a real doubt from the urge to escape?
A clear decision becomes possible when you can tell the reflex to escape apart from a genuine sense that something is wrong. Both can feel identical in the moment. Many people with this pattern leave relationships just as they deepen, or stay in ones that never ask for real closeness, and later wonder whether they chose freely.
We take an honest inventory: what you treasure in the relationship, what scares you and what would make it liveable. I will be frank, and I will flag it when you slide away from the question, though the verdict is yours. If you rarely get as far as a relationship in the first place, see therapy for wondering why you are single.
What would it mean to be close and still feel like yourself?
Lasting change shows up in everyday life rather than in sessions. You stay in the room when your partner is upset. You tell a friend you are struggling before you have solved it. You say “I need space” and then return. Some outer changes may help too, such as clearer agreements about time alone, a home with a room of your own, or relationships where your need for quiet is respected.
Part of the work is sorting what should change from what should stay. Your independence, your calm and your ability to manage alone are real strengths. The aim is not to remove them. It is to add another option, so that closeness becomes something you can choose rather than something you endure. Building secure attachment describes that next stage.
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What happens when you begin avoidant attachment therapy with me
Arriving without words for your feelings is completely fine. We begin with concrete events in your relationships and move at a speed you can bear.
At first, I pay close attention, help you put a name to the central pattern and set out where we are heading. You do not have to arrive able to talk about your feelings fluently, or with your history in order. Many people with this pattern find the first sessions a little uncomfortable, and that is part of the work rather than a problem.
Avoidant attachment work is one strand of my psychotherapy, with structured one-to-one sessions on intimacy, distance and self-reliance. If the distance mostly lives between you and a partner who wants to work on it with you, couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. For a longer piece of work, therapy discounts and bundles cut the cost and fix a plan in advance.
What happens in our first avoidant attachment session?
My opening questions are about why you came now, where the strain is greatest, what has already failed and what you want instead. If feelings are hard to name, we can start with facts, events and what happened in your body. Full disclosure is not required for useful work to start.
As we close, I outline my initial sense of things and a possible route. Whether to continue is entirely up to you. Got questions first? Then request a free 30-minute discovery call.
Why is individual therapy often the right first step here?
Choose individual work when the retreat repeats across relationships, or when you are single. For many people with this pattern it is also the easier door, because you can explore at your own speed with no partner looking on or waiting for results.
I offer you continuity, clear direction and honest challenge, and our steady working relationship becomes a place to practise letting someone in. For an overview of my individual work, see Psychotherapy Copenhagen.
When is couples therapy more useful than individual work?
Couples work suits you once the gap itself has become the shared problem and your partner is keen to close it with you. A partner who chases while you retreat, trust worn down by years of it, the same fight about time together on repeat: these usually shift faster when you work on the loop side by side.
In those sessions, each of you learns to see the loop, take ownership of your part and find safer ways to meet, a task far bigger than ending one row. Couples therapy Copenhagen is long-term relational development and healing. Some people start with individual work and move to couples therapy when they feel ready.
How often should you come for avoidant attachment therapy?
Session rhythm depends on what the pattern is costing, how much space your life allows and how much continuity the work requires. With this pattern there is a particular risk: long gaps make it easy to keep the work at arm’s length, and each session starts from the surface again. Regular sessions help us get underneath.
I generally suggest starting weekly or fortnightly. If the gaps grow too long for traction, or a burst of closer sessions would help, or we can safely ease off, I will say so. A block of back-to-back sessions over a few days is another option.
When does a bundle make sense for avoidant attachment therapy?
Go for a bundle once it is obvious the work needs a run of sessions and you would like to stop choosing afresh every week. With this pattern it can be especially useful. Many people with it feel the urge to step back from therapy just as it starts to matter. A planned course gives you a structure to stay in through that moment.
Bundles bring significant savings and the safety of a structured plan. Together we can check whether a bundle suits the scale of what you want to change. Everything on offer is listed on therapy discounts and bundles, with the main bundles in the cards below.
How will we know when avoidant attachment therapy has done enough?
We are near the end once closeness has become something you can opt into rather than merely survive, and you manage that without a weekly session. You will still value your space. The difference is that you can stay present when it matters, say what you feel and come back after you have stepped away.
Reviews are open and honest, and therapy should last only as long as it helps. We plan the ending together, and I will ask you not to simply vanish from it, because how we finish is part of the work. We might thin the sessions out or take a break first. Should you come back years later with a different question, that is simply life moving on.
How it works with me
- If talking first feels safer, ask for a free 30-minute call. If you would rather just get on with it, book your first session. Tell me in a sentence what happens when someone gets close, and I can judge whether this page fits.
- Your first session is a 1-hour appointment with 50 minutes of therapy, you and me only, at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen or online, in English or Danish. You can book any day of the week between 08:00 and 21:00 Copenhagen time, subject to availability, which leaves you in charge of when we meet.
- Early on, sessions are weekly or fortnightly, which keeps the thread intact and stops each meeting restarting from small talk. Between sessions, you try staying present in small moments you would normally leave.
- At regular intervals we step back and look at how you now deal with intimacy, conflict and other people’s needs. From there we settle on the next phase: same rhythm, fewer sessions or a planned close.
- If you expect several sessions, a therapy bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you a clear plan from the start. You can see the bundles just below.
Save with a prepaid session bundle
How the bundle works
- Current bundle savings are shown on the Pricing page.
- Your bundle is valid for 180 days from the date of purchase.
- The bundle can only be used for the type of session stated on your invoice.
- If you request a refund, sessions already used are recalculated at the standard single-session price.
- The administration fee applied to a bundle refund is shown on the Pricing page.
- VAT follows the type of therapy included in the bundle: VAT-exempt sessions remain VAT exempt, while VAT-liable sessions include applicable VAT.
Compare with nearby options
Unsure whether to start here? This table compares avoidant attachment therapy with the options people in your position most often weigh.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Avoidant attachment therapy (this page) | Closeness makes you withdraw and the people you love say they cannot reach you. | Weekly or fortnightly 1-hour sessions |
| Attachment therapy | You would like the full map of your attachment before zooming in. | 1-hour sessions at a pace you choose |
| Anxious attachment therapy | You tend to chase reassurance and dread being dropped. | Weekly 1-hour sessions at first |
| Disorganised attachment therapy | You want closeness and fear it at once, and the swings feel chaotic. | Steady weekly 1-hour sessions |
Frequently asked questions
What is avoidant attachment therapy with you?
Avoidant attachment therapy with me is individual psychotherapy for self-reliant adults who keep people at arm’s length and retreat as a relationship deepens. It helps you understand where that strategy came from, what it protects and how to let people closer without feeling trapped. Sessions are in English or Danish, in central Copenhagen, or online if a little distance makes it easier to start.
The pattern is often called dismissive avoidant attachment, but that is not a fixed identity. It is a learned way of staying safe. I work with it in depth, with attachment theory and object relations as my background. It belongs under attachment therapy, part of my wider psychotherapy. My article on dismissive avoidant attachment explains the pattern more fully.
When should I see you about keeping people at a distance?
Come when the distance is costing you relationships, closeness or a sense of being alive in your own life, or when the same complaint keeps coming from people you love. No partner has to walk out first. Sensing that something is missing already counts.
My 22 years have taught me to check 3 things: does the retreat repeat with different people, is it hardening over time, and what have you silently surrendered to it. If you can see the same retreat happening again and again, it deserves attention, even if everything else in your life looks fine.
Can an avoidant pattern really change, or is this just my personality?
Yes, it can change. What feels like personality is often a strategy you developed early to stay safe, perhaps in a home where feelings were not welcome or where you had to manage alone. Strategies can be updated. Nobody can promise the pace or the extent, and there is no shortcut.
In my clinical experience, the change comes gradually, through small experiences of staying close and finding that you are not swallowed. Therapy is one place where that happens. With you, I would concentrate on the exact second the retreat begins, and on practising, bit by bit, staying put.
Am I just not capable of real closeness?
No. Most people who ask this are very capable of closeness. They have simply learned to keep it at a level that feels safe. The fact that you are asking at all suggests that part of you wants more.
I take that wish seriously, and I take your caution seriously too. I will not push you into more closeness than you can handle, and I will not let you settle for less than you want simply because it is familiar. Many people discover they can tolerate much more intimacy than they expected once they feel in control of the pace.
Why do I go cold when things are going well?
Often because things going well means things getting closer, and closeness is exactly what your old strategy was built to manage. When a partner talks about the future, says they love you or simply relaxes into the relationship, an alarm may go off that tells you to pull back. You may suddenly notice their flaws or feel bored. None of this means the relationship is wrong or that you are heartless.
Together we learn to spot the chill as it sets in, see what it shields you from and tolerate the warmth for a while longer. Then we look at what you actually feel, underneath the reflex. If you also notice that you undermine good things in other areas of life, self-sabotage therapy may help you see the wider pattern.
What will we actually do in a first session?
We begin with a concrete situation, such as a recent argument, a partner’s complaint or a moment you wanted to leave. We go through what happened, what your body did and how you responded. A few questions touch on your family, since self-reliance like this is usually learned young. By the end you have my early reading and a proposed direction.
Not knowing what you feel is no obstacle. Many people with this pattern find it hard to talk about emotions at first, and that is fine. We start wherever you can. Book a first session when it suits you, or begin with a free discovery call.
How many sessions of avoidant attachment therapy will I need?
Think in terms of several months of steady sessions, weekly or fortnightly, not a handful of chats. This pattern loosens through repeated experience and trust in the working relationship, which take time to build. Some people notice changes within weeks, while deeper shifts usually take longer.
From 22 years of practice, my advice is to agree a first block and then take stock. At that review we look at changes in your relationships and in yourself, and plan the next step together.
Is it better to come alone or as a couple?
Alone makes sense when the retreat crops up in relationship after relationship, when you are single, or when you need room to explore unobserved. Coming as a couple fits when what hurts is the pattern you create together and both of you are ready to change it.
Individual work on this pattern is part of my psychotherapy practice. If your partner wants to work on the relationship and you are not ready to come together, couples therapy alone is one option for them. Still undecided? A free call can settle it.
What does avoidant attachment therapy with you cost?
Each appointment is a 1-hour slot that holds 50 minutes of therapy. The current price is listed on my prices page. Payment is by invoice and bank transfer.
For a longer course of work, a bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you the safety of a structured plan. See therapy discounts and bundles for the choices. A same-day transfer from a Danish bank account brings a further 3 per cent saving.
How do I book avoidant attachment therapy with you?
Book your first session online, or request a free 30-minute discovery call if you would like to talk first. A line or so about what brings you is plenty.
If no time works, or something has happened that feels urgent, reach me directly. For situations that cannot wait, I hold a few free times and can usually see you within days. Make the booking, and we will start at whatever distance feels manageable.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
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