Building secure attachment Copenhagen
Grow steadier relationships and a self you can trust
I help you turn what you know about yourself into earned security
- Last updated October 16, 2026
What I want you to know about becoming more secure
In this short video, I explain why security in relationships is something you can build as an adult, and what that building actually involves week by week.
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At a glance
Building secure attachment Copenhagen helps you develop a steadier way of being close to people and a deeper trust in yourself, whatever your starting point. We meet one to one, for 1-hour appointments that include 50 minutes of therapy, in English or Danish, in person at my practice in central Copenhagen or online.
I help you notice the old reflexes that still pull you off balance, practise new responses in a relationship that stays steady, and slowly make security your own. Psychologists call this earned security. It is one strand of my attachment therapy, part of my wider psychotherapy. If a strong pattern of clinging or distancing is still in charge, anxious attachment therapy or avoidant attachment therapy may be the better first step.
To begin, ask for a free discovery call, book an appointment, look through my client policy or get in touch.
Is this the right page for you?
This is for you if…
Building secure attachment Copenhagen is for adults who want steadier relationships and a firmer trust in themselves. You may already understand a lot about your history and your patterns, and you are tired of understanding without changing. You want to feel at home with closeness and with yourself, not to fix something broken.
- You have done a great deal of reading and reflecting, and you can describe your patterns well, yet they still run the show on hard days.
- You want to be the friend, partner or parent who stays calm and warm when things get difficult, not the one who wobbles.
- You notice that you second-guess your own judgement and ask others what they think before you let yourself decide.
- You are in a good relationship and want to protect it, rather than waiting for the old fears to quietly erode it.
- You would like to say no, or ask for what you need, without rehearsing it for days or feeling guilty afterwards.
- You have had therapy before and want to build on it, moving from insight about the past to steadiness in the present.
- You want to stop treating every disagreement as a threat and learn that repair after conflict is possible and normal.
- You are starting a family, a new relationship or a new life abroad, and you want a calmer foundation underneath it.
This is probably not for you if…
Building security suits you most when no single painful pattern is still dominating your days. If one of these fits you better, the page linked will serve you better.
- Fear of being left, or of not mattering, still floods you most days and drives what you do. → anxious attachment therapy
- You reliably pull away when people come close, and you are not yet sure you want them closer. → avoidant attachment therapy
- You long for closeness and feel frightened by it, swinging between reaching out and shutting down. → disorganised attachment therapy
- You want first to understand how your attachment patterns formed, before working on building something new. → attachment therapy
- Your wish for steadiness is really about life as a whole, such as work, meaning or direction, not mainly about relationships. → psychotherapy
- You and your partner both want to build a more secure bond and are willing to come together. → couples therapy
- Something has just shaken your life badly, and you need support this week rather than slow building work. → acute psychotherapy
- You are in immediate danger, or you are thinking about ending your life. Please call 112, or 1813 for urgent mental health help in the Capital Region.
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Client reviews
The reviews shown here are shared by clients who have worked with me in therapy and chosen to reflect on their experience. They are collected via Google and displayed through an independent verification service, offering an open and transparent picture of how my work is experienced.
Mark’s view
“In the last few months alone, I have sat with several people who believed that security is a personality you either have or lack. I think that belief is the single biggest obstacle to building it. Security is not a mood or a trait. It is a skill of returning: noticing that you have been thrown, and finding your way back to yourself and to the other person. People who are not yet there often carry two quiet questions. One says ‘Am I still important to you when you are busy?’. The other says ‘If I let you lean on me, will I lose myself?’. Earned security does not silence those questions. It answers them, again and again, until the answer becomes part of you.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
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You are welcome to get in touch. We can clarify what’s the right therapy for you.
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A typical situation
Astrid is 44, a Danish architect who spent 11 years in Rotterdam before moving back to Copenhagen with her wife and their 2 children. She has had therapy before, understands her childhood well and describes her marriage as good. Still, when her wife is quiet at dinner, Astrid assumes she has done something wrong. When colleagues disagree with her, she agrees too quickly and seethes afterwards. She does not feel in crisis. She feels she is living a little to the side of herself.
I would start not with her past, which she already knows, but with those small daily moments when she loses her footing. In our first session, Astrid would probably notice that her body reacts before her thinking does, and that she rarely checks her assumption before acting on it. That is where we would begin building something steadier.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
This is when you want to build secure attachment with me
You have worked hard to understand yourself, and now you want that understanding to change how you live and love.
You do not need a crisis, and there is no single right reason or right moment to begin. Wanting steadier relationships, a calmer response to conflict or more faith in your own judgement is reason enough. You do not need a diagnosis or a dramatic story, and nothing has to be going badly wrong before you come to see me. In more than 22 years of practice, I have worked with many people who were functioning well yet sensed they were living below their own capacity for closeness, and I take that sense seriously.
My professional view is that security grows through practice, not only reflection. I will help you see which old reflexes still take over, what keeps them going and what you can do differently. The 6 questions below can help you decide whether this is the right moment to start.
Does it take you too long to recover after a small upset?
If it does, that is worth attending to. A short message from a friend, a tense moment with your partner or a critical comment at work can stay with you for an evening or a whole weekend. You replay it, draft replies you never send and feel off balance long after the other person has moved on. Nothing dramatic is happening, but a surprising amount of your energy goes into recovering from small ruptures.
When we work together, I look at how quickly you lose your footing, how long it takes you to find it again and what helps or hinders that return. Those details show me whether this is a stressful season or a settled habit of your nervous system. A settled habit can be retrained. If you would like to start, book a session with me and we will look at it carefully.
Do you want to depend on people and still stand on your own feet?
Yes, and that is exactly what security makes possible, though it can feel like a contradiction at first. Part of you wants to lean on others and be held. Another part values independence and fears that needing people will make you weak or burdensome. Many people have built their lives around one of these needs and quietly neglected the other, so they either give up too much of themselves in relationships or keep everyone at a polite distance.
I do not ask you to choose. In our work, we give both needs a voice and listen to what each is protecting. Secure people are not people who need no one. They are people who can lean and stand, and move between the two without panic. I help you find that flexibility, so that dependence and independence become choices rather than defences.
Do you still scan for signs that someone is losing interest?
Even people who are doing well often do. A partner who seems distant, a friend who has not replied or a manager who is unusually brief can still set off a small inner alarm. You may check their mood, look for clues in their wording or ask a reassuring question you know they will answer kindly. The alarm may pass quickly now, but it still uses up attention you would rather spend elsewhere.
Your wish to feel close and certain is healthy, and I will never treat it as a problem. What we work on is your ability to notice the alarm, check it against what you actually know and ask directly when something matters. Over time, you learn to tolerate a little uncertainty without needing it resolved at once. That tolerance is one of the clearest signs of growing security.
Do you swing between wanting more closeness and needing more space?
Many people do, especially under stress. One week you want your partner or friends near, and you feel hurt when they are busy. The next week the same closeness feels like pressure, and you withdraw into work or your own company. You may find it hard to explain to others, and even to yourself, which one you need right now.
We slow this down together and look at what tends to move you from one side to the other: tiredness, criticism, too many demands or a sudden sense of being needed too much. I respect both the reach for closeness and the step back, and I will also encourage you to own how your shifts land on the people around you. The aim is that you can say clearly “I would love some time together” or “I need an evening alone”, and that both are allowed.
Do you go quiet when someone else’s feelings get big?
Often, yes. When a partner is upset, a friend is in distress or a family member is angry, you may feel an urge to fix it quickly, change the subject or become very calm and reasonable. Inside, you may feel crowded or responsible for their state, and the easiest way out is to step back. People may see you as steady, but you know it costs you contact.
Needing some room is not a fault, and I will not shame it. I help you see what the step back protects you from, so you can stay a little longer with someone else’s feelings without losing yourself in them. You learn to say “I want to hear this, and I need a minute first”. A secure person can make room for another person’s storm because they trust their own ground.
Are you ready to trust your own judgement more than other people’s approval?
For many people, that is the real heart of security. If you learned early to read others carefully and adapt to them, you may have become good at fitting in and less sure of what you think, want or feel. Decisions get outsourced to friends, partners or the internet. That is not a flaw in your character. It is a skill that once kept you safe, and it has simply grown too big.
I help you look at which of your habits are adaptations and which reflect your own values and wishes. Sometimes that means looking at what your family passed down, including expectations nobody ever said out loud. I will be honest with you and challenge you when you hand your judgement away, but I will not tell you who to become. The aim is a self you can consult and trust.
If you are ready to build on what you already know, request a free call to talk it through or book your first session.
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What building secure attachment with me will help you do
Knowing where your patterns come from is useful, but security only grows when you practise new ways of meeting people and yourself.
This work will help you see clearly what still knocks you off balance, recognise the reflexes that keep old patterns alive and practise responses that make you steadier with others and with yourself. Many people who come for this already have a lot of insight. Insight is a good foundation, but security is built in the moments when you do something different and survive it.
In my more than 22 years of experience, this work moves furthest when I am active rather than a quiet listener. I will guide, point out what I notice in the moment and question beliefs that hold you back, such as “I have to earn my place”. The relationship between us is part of the work, because it is a place to try new ways of being close. These 6 questions show where the work is heading.
How will I help you see what still unsettles you?
I help you separate the moments that matter from the general hum of life. Often it comes down to a handful of recurring situations: being disagreed with, being kept waiting, being asked for help, being praised. In each, an old belief wakes up, such as “I am too much” or “I must manage alone”, and you react before you have chosen to. Once those situations are visible, the work has a clear focus.
I bring structure to this. I tell you what I see, where I think we should begin and which explanations no longer serve you, such as “I was born this way”. I pay attention to your body and your tone as well as your words, because security is felt before it is thought. When you are ready, book a session with me and we will map your particular situations together.
How can you notice an old reflex before it decides for you?
You can learn to catch it earlier, and that small head start changes a great deal. Old reflexes usually announce themselves: a drop in your stomach, a rush of heat, a familiar phrase in your head, an urge to apologise or to go silent. These signs arrive a moment before the old reaction. Learning to recognise them gives you a pause in which a different choice becomes possible.
In sessions, we take recent moments and look at them in slow motion: what started it, what the reflex tried to protect and what it cost you. Recognising it is a beginning, but it is not the whole job. We then practise another response, in the room with me and in your daily life, until you can actually use it in the middle of a tense conversation.
How can you steady yourself when something knocks you off balance?
Steadying yourself does not mean shutting down feelings, looking unbothered or pretending things do not matter. It means staying present enough to notice what is happening inside you and to choose how to respond. Secure people still feel hurt, jealous or anxious. What differs is that the feeling does not take over the whole of them.
Together we learn to recognise when you are being pulled off balance and what your body is reacting to, which is often an old situation rather than the present one. We find simple, personal ways of steadying yourself: a breath, a phrase, a pause before replying. I will be clear that this needs regular practice between sessions. A few deliberate minutes every day build more security than any single insight.
How can you ask for what you need and set limits calmly?
Clear communication starts with knowing what you feel, what you want and what is genuinely yours to carry. If your history taught you to keep quiet or to keep the peace, those things can be hard to locate, let alone say. Needs then come out as hints, sighs or sudden irritation, and boundaries are either never set or set with a slam. My article on boundaries in a relationship looks at this in more depth.
Together we find wording that is truthful, concrete and in proportion, such as “I would like us to talk about this tomorrow, when I am less tired”. I will challenge you when you swallow what you need, and also when you expect someone else to guess it or carry it for you. We often practise the actual conversation, with a partner, a parent or a colleague, until it feels possible.
How can you make big relationship decisions from a place of steadiness?
Clearer decisions become possible when you can tell fear, guilt, habit and other people’s expectations apart from what you actually know and care about. Moving in together, having children, moving country or ending a relationship can all stir old patterns, so that the decision feels either urgent or impossible.
I help you look at your options when you are steady, weigh what each would require of you and notice which part of you is speaking. I will give you my honest view and say so when I see you avoiding the question or rushing it. The decision stays yours. My aim is that you make it as the person you are now, not as the child who learned to stay safe.
What does a securely rooted life actually look like day to day?
Security shows itself in ordinary moments, not only in therapy. It looks like a disagreement that ends in a repair over coffee, a no said without three paragraphs of explanation, a quiet evening alone that feels restful rather than lonely, or a request for help that does not leave you ashamed. You may need different routines, clearer agreements with the people close to you or a different balance between time together and apart.
I help you decide what to change and what to keep. Your sensitivity, your loyalty and your care for others are strengths, and we are not trying to remove them. The aim is that they come from a settled place rather than an anxious one. If you would like to understand the different patterns people grow out of, my article on attachment styles gives a clear overview.
You can also send me an email
What happens when you begin building secure attachment with me
You do not need a diagnosis, a label or a tidy life story. I start with the moments in your life today where you lose your footing.
At the start, I listen closely, help you identify where security is still missing and give the work a clear focus. I do not expect you to arrive with a diagnosis or a complete account of your childhood. Many people who come for this have already done a lot of looking back, so we often spend more time on the present and on practice.
Building security is a form of structured individual work within my psychotherapy, and one strand of my attachment therapy. If you and your partner both want to build a steadier bond, couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing together. When you know you want a sustained period of practice, my therapy discounts and bundles give you a lower price per session and the safety of a plan we agree on.
What do we do in the first session?
In the first session, I ask what made you want this now, where in your life you most lose your footing, what you have already tried, including any earlier therapy, and what you would like to be different. I may ask you to describe 2 or 3 recent moments in detail. You do not need to retell your whole history before we can do useful work.
By the end, I will share my first understanding and propose where to focus. You can then judge whether my way of working suits you. If you would rather speak to me before you commit, book a free 30-minute discovery call.
When is individual work the right way to build security?
Individual work is right when the focus is on you: your reflexes, your self-trust, your history and the way you show up in all your relationships, not just one. It suits you whether you are single, dating or in a long relationship, and it lets us look at your relationships closely without anyone else in the room.
Security is learned in relationship, and individual therapy is a relationship designed for practising it. I offer consistency, direction and honest challenge from one session to the next. Psychotherapy Copenhagen describes my structured individual work more broadly.
When is couples therapy a better way to build a secure bond?
Couples therapy is the better choice when the bond between you and your partner needs sustained attention and you both want to work on it. If the same pattern keeps playing out between you, if trust has been dented, or if you both want to become more secure together before a big step such as children or a move, working as a couple often goes further.
In couples work, I help you both see the cycle you fall into, take ownership of your own part and build safer ways of turning towards each other. This is more than solving one disagreement. Couples therapy Copenhagen is long-term relational development and healing, and some people do individual work first and then invite their partner in.
How often should we meet?
The right pace depends on what you want to build, how much capacity you have and how much continuity the practice needs. Because this is building work rather than crisis work, it suits a steady rhythm that leaves time to practise between sessions.
My recommendation is weekly or every second week at first. I will tell you if sessions are too far apart for anything to take root, if a closer period would help around a big life event, or when you are ready to meet less often. Some people later keep a lighter rhythm for a while, as a place to check in and consolidate.
When is a bundle worth it for this kind of work?
A bundle is worth it when you already know you want a sustained period of practice rather than a few conversations. Building security means repeating new responses until they stick. A planned course protects that repetition, keeps the time in your calendar and removes the question of whether to book again after every session.
A bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives the work a clear frame you can rely on. I am glad to help you judge whether it fits what you have in mind. The options are set out on therapy discounts and bundles and in the bundle cards below.
How will we know when you have built enough security?
We know the work has done its job when you trust yourself more, recover faster when something knocks you and handle closeness and conflict with more choice. Old feelings may still visit, but they no longer run the conversation. You can lean on people and stand on your own, and you can tell which one you need.
I review progress with you openly and I do not encourage dependence on therapy. We can space sessions out, pause or end once the work has done what it needed to. Returning later, perhaps at a new stage of life, is not a sign that anything failed. It is often a sign that you are using what you built.
How it works with me
- Begin with a free 30-minute call, or go straight to booking a first session. Tell me briefly what you would like to feel steadier about, so I can check that building security is the right focus for you.
- Each session is a 1-hour appointment with 50 minutes of therapy, just the 2 of us, at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen or online, in English or Danish. You can book from 08:00 to 21:00 Copenhagen time, every day of the week, subject to availability.
- We usually meet weekly or every second week, leaving time to practise what we work on. Between sessions, you try new responses in real situations and bring back what happened.
- Every few sessions, we look at what has become easier and what still pulls you off balance. Together we decide whether to keep the pace, meet less often or move towards an ending.
- If you want a steady period of practice, a therapy bundle saves 10 per cent and gives you a clear plan from the first session. The bundles follow right below.
Save with a prepaid session bundle
How the bundle works
- Current bundle savings are shown on the Pricing page.
- Your bundle is valid for 180 days from the date of purchase.
- The bundle can only be used for the type of session stated on your invoice.
- If you request a refund, sessions already used are recalculated at the standard single-session price.
- The administration fee applied to a bundle refund is shown on the Pricing page.
- VAT follows the type of therapy included in the bundle: VAT-exempt sessions remain VAT exempt, while VAT-liable sessions include applicable VAT.
Compare with nearby options
Not sure whether building security is where to start? Here is how it compares with nearby options people often consider.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Building secure attachment (this page) | You want steadier relationships and more self-trust, and no single pattern is in crisis. | Weekly or fortnightly 1-hour sessions |
| Attachment therapy | You first want to understand how your way of loving formed and which pattern is yours. | 1-hour sessions at a pace you choose |
| Avoidant attachment therapy | You still pull back from closeness and want to understand why before building more. | Weekly 1-hour sessions at first |
| Couples therapy | You and your partner both want to build a more secure bond together. | 2-hour sessions together, spaced out |
Frequently asked questions
What is building secure attachment with you?
Building secure attachment with me is individual psychotherapy for adults who want to become steadier in their relationships and more trusting of themselves. It focuses on earned security: the security you develop as an adult through new experiences and practice, whatever your childhood was like. Sessions are in English or Danish, either at my Copenhagen practice or by video.
My way of working is deep and whole-person, taking in your emotions, your body, the different parts of you and what you inherited from your family. This page is one strand of my attachment therapy, within my broader psychotherapy.
When is a good time to come to you for this?
Come when you want more steadiness and self-trust and feel ready to practise, not only to reflect. Good moments are often transitions: a new relationship, a move to or from Copenhagen, becoming a parent, or the end of earlier therapy that left you with insight but not yet with change. You do not need anything to be going wrong.
In more than 22 years of practice, I have found that people who come for this are often more ready than they think. I look at how you handle small ruptures, how much you rely on others’ approval and how quickly you return to yourself. Those things tell me where the building work should start.
Can I really become more secure if my childhood was difficult?
Yes. Research and clinical experience both show that many adults move towards security later in life. I cannot promise how far or how fast you will travel, and I do not offer shortcuts. What I offer is steady, careful work that helps new experiences take root.
In my clinical experience, people with difficult beginnings often build a particularly thoughtful kind of security, because they know exactly what they are growing out of. With you, I would focus on the small, repeated moments where a new response becomes possible, and on making each one a little easier than the last.
I am not in crisis. Is it self-indulgent to come?
No. Wanting to grow is as good a reason for therapy as wanting to stop hurting. Many of the people I see for this are functioning well and simply want their closest relationships to feel calmer and more honest.
My view is that preventive work is often the most efficient kind. Building security before a big life change, or while a relationship is still good, tends to protect what matters to you. What you will need to bring is a willingness to try new things between sessions, not a problem big enough to justify coming.
How do I stop reacting the old way when I know better?
By practising the new way often enough that it becomes available under pressure. Knowing better and doing better live in different places. The old reaction, whether reaching for reassurance, going quiet or swinging between the two, is fast, familiar and stored in the body. The new one has to be rehearsed until it is just as easy to reach.
I help you recognise which way you tend to move when you feel unsettled, what that move is trying to get for you and what it costs. Then we practise a steadier option: asking directly, taking space without disappearing and coming back to repair. Each time you manage it, the new path gets a little wider.
What will you focus on when we first meet?
I focus on your life now. I ask where you would like to feel steadier, what typically knocks you off balance and what you have already learned about yourself. I will ask briefly about your family and any earlier therapy, so we can build on it rather than repeat it. By the end, you will hear my first understanding and a suggested focus.
No preparation is needed. If you have notes or questions, bring them, and if you do not, that is fine too. You can book an appointment when you feel ready, or start with a free call first.
How long does it usually take to build security?
My recommendation is to plan for several months of regular sessions. Security grows through repetition, so a few conversations can give you clarity, but lasting change usually needs a longer stretch of practice. If you are building on earlier therapy, it can go faster. If older hurts come up along the way, it may take longer.
Based on more than 22 years of practice, I would rather we agree a clear first period and review it honestly than drift. At each review we look at what has become easier, and you decide with me whether to continue, space things out or stop.
Should I do this alone or with my partner?
Start alone if the focus is on you and how you show up across all your relationships. Come together if you both want to build a more secure bond and the patterns mostly live between you. Many people begin individually and later bring a partner into couples work.
Working on your own falls under my psychotherapy, and you can choose my practice or a video session, in English or Danish. If you are unsure which route fits, we can talk it through on a free discovery call and decide together.
What do sessions cost, and is a bundle worth it?
Individual sessions are 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy, and you will find the current price on my prices page. Payment is by invoice, settled by bank transfer.
Because building security usually takes a sustained period, many people choose a bundle, which saves 10 per cent and gives you a structured plan. See therapy discounts and bundles for the options. If you pay on the day from a Danish bank account, you save a further 3 per cent.
How do I take the first step with you?
Book a session at a time that suits you, or request a free 30-minute discovery call if you would like to talk first. A line or two about what you want to feel steadier about is all I need.
If none of the available times work, or something urgent has come up, write to me. Urgent situations usually get a time within days, as I keep some room free for them. Otherwise, choose a time and we will begin building.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
Explore other services I offer
Individual psychotherapy
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