At a glance
Fear of intimacy is the fear of being seen accurately and then left. It acts before you have decided anything, and it acts at the exact point where the other person starts to matter. You learned it early, small daily moments keep it alive, and small daily moments are where it changes.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- Good at closeness in short bursts. The people who describe themselves as bad at closeness are often excellent at it in short bursts, or with new people, even with me as their therapist.
- The fear of being ordinary. Over the years, I have found that what most clients fear is less often rejection than being known, seen and then found to be bland and ordinary, as if that were a bad thing.
- Slow change, then real intimacy. Priorities change slowly, but when they do, real intimacy shows up fairly quickly.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
What is fear of intimacy?
Fear of intimacy is a held-back capacity to share what matters to you with a person who matters to you. The research definition is narrow: an inhibited capacity to exchange thoughts and feelings of personal significance with another individual who is highly valued.
- Highly valued. The capacity is intact with friends, colleagues and strangers, and it withdraws when one person begins to count.
- Being seen. What you avoid is exposure: somebody knowing you accurately and then deciding to go.
- Before thought. The step backwards happens first, and you notice it afterwards.
- Accurate about cost. Closeness does cost uncertainty and risk, and the fear is wrong only about your ability to survive it.
Why do I pull away when someone gets close?
You pull away because closeness once came with rejection, and your system now expects rejection wherever closeness appears.
- Expecting rejection. In a study of 679 university students, those more sensitive to rejection reported more fear of intimacy.
- Anxiety in between. Anxiety around other people carried part of that link, and only part.
- Early acceptance. Remembered acceptance from a mother weakened the chain for some of the women in the sample, which makes it a finding about that group and no general rule.
- What the study cannot say. Everything was measured at one moment, so it shows what goes together and shows nothing about cause.
The pulling back was a sensible adaptation once, and it protected something worth protecting. Read more about attachment style.
How does fear of intimacy show up day to day?
It shows up as many small turns away, none of which looks like a refusal. Your partner sighs, asks a question, puts a hand on your shoulder or remarks on nothing. Each of these is a bid, a request to connect.
- Turning towards. You answer the sigh, ask the question back, or stay where you are.
- Turning away. You nod, look at your phone, or find something to do in another room.
- Turning against. You answer with irritation, and the bid becomes an argument.
- What the numbers show. In published observations of couples, the couples who stayed together well turned towards bids 86 per cent of the time, and the couples who did badly managed 33 per cent.
You turn away slightly, often enough, and your partner stops offering. Then you stop offering too, and the distance between you looks like calm.
What do people call it instead of fear?
People call it independence, high standards or bad luck with partners, and sometimes that is exactly what it is. What interests me is the case where the word does a job: it keeps the fear unnamed, and so unchanged.
- Independence. You need nobody, and you arrange your life so that nobody gets the chance to be needed.
- High standards. Every available person has a flaw that appears at about the time they become available.
- Bad luck. You choose people who stay at a distance, and then the distance looks like their doing.
- Rules about closeness. You hold beliefs phrased as rules: love is easily broken, or there is something wrong with me.
Read more about why you keep choosing the same shape and about dismissive avoidant attachment.
How do I overcome fear of intimacy?
You overcome it through small exposures, repeated, in a place where nothing terrible follows. One large confession leaves you exposed and no closer, and the retreat afterwards costs more than the disclosure gained.
- Name it. Say “I am afraid of this” in place of “I am independent”, first to yourself.
- Write down your rules. Notice what you hold to be true about closeness, and how much of it is phrased as a rule.
- Answer one bid a day. Pick the sigh, the remark about nothing or the question you would normally let pass, and answer it out loud.
- Stay a little longer. Remain in the room for the few minutes after you would usually have found something to do.
- Go slowly. Being pushed into disclosure before you are ready proves the fear right.
The bid is deliberately too small to frighten you, and that is why it works. Therapy adds a relationship where the exposure is survivable and happens regularly.
These steps fail when the step backwards happens faster than you are able to notice it. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
Is fear of intimacy the same as being an introvert?
No, introversion is about where your energy comes back from. Fear of intimacy is about what happens when somebody begins to matter, and plenty of extroverts have it.
Is it possible to have fear of intimacy in a long relationship?
Yes, and it is common. Living alongside somebody for years is a different thing from being known by them.
Does my partner have to come to therapy with me?
No, most of this is individual work. Tell them what you are working on, because the small turns towards them will change and they should know why.
How long does it take to change?
Longer than a technique, and nobody is able to give you a figure. What changes first is the noticing.
What if I start therapy and then want to stop?
Then you stop. Saying out loud that you want to stop is often the most useful session of the lot.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- Giovazolias, T. and Paschalidi, E., The Effect of Rejection Sensitivity on Fear of Intimacy in Emerging Adulthood: A Moderated-Mediation Model, European Journal of Psychology Open, 2022
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
