Shame therapy Copenhagen
Help to stop hiding the parts of you that feel wrong
I help you meet your shame with understanding instead of hiding
- Last updated October 18, 2026
What I want you to know about the shame you carry
In this short video, I explain why shame grows in hiding, and how it starts to lose its power once you can look at it with someone beside you.
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At a glance
Shame therapy Copenhagen helps you understand and loosen the painful sense that something about you is fundamentally wrong. Nobody else is in the room: you see me alone, for 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy, in English or Danish, at my practice in central Copenhagen or online.
I help you find where your shame began, what it makes you hide and how it shapes your relationships, so you can stop living as if you must earn the right to exist. This page is the shame branch of my psychotherapy. When the feeling is mostly about something you did, guilt therapy goes further, and when shame tends to come out as rage or irritation, anger therapy is the closer fit.
Shame makes asking for help hard, so choose the step that feels smallest: ask for a free discovery call, book a session, read my client policy on confidentiality or send me a short message.
Is this the right page for you?
This is for you if…
Shame therapy Copenhagen is for adults who carry a quiet, persistent feeling that they are not good enough, too much or somehow wrong as a person. You may look confident and capable to others, while privately bracing to be found out. You want to stop hiding and to feel at ease being who you are.
- You replay an awkward comment you made at a dinner party for days, and your face still burns when you remember it.
- You edit yourself constantly at work, rewriting emails 3 times so nobody can see a mistake or a gap in what you know.
- You find it almost impossible to accept a compliment, and you quickly change the subject when someone praises you.
- You keep parts of your past, your family or your body secret, even from the people who are closest to you.
- You hear a harsh inner voice calling you stupid, pathetic or disgusting when something small goes wrong.
- You apologise for taking up space, for asking a question or simply for having a need at all.
- You feel a strong urge to disappear or crawl into a hole when you sense that someone is disappointed in you.
- You suspect the feeling is old, perhaps older than you can remember, and you want to understand where it came from.
This is probably not for you if…
Shame is woven into many difficulties, and sometimes another kind of help is the more precise starting point. If one of the lines below fits you more closely than shame does, follow its link to the page made for it.
- Your pain is mainly about something specific you did, and you cannot stop going over it. → guilt therapy
- Your temper, irritation or sudden outbursts are what you most want help with. → anger therapy
- Your shame is tied to abuse or a frightening event, and memories of it still intrude. → trauma therapy
- Shame is one theme among several, and you want to look at your life more broadly. → psychotherapy
- Something humiliating has just happened or become public, and you need help this week. → acute psychotherapy
- The shame lives mostly between you and your partner, and your partner is willing to come. → couples therapy
- Drinking, gambling or another habit has become your main way of escaping the feeling. → addiction therapy
- You are in immediate danger, or you are thinking about ending your life. Please call 112, or 1813 for urgent mental health help in the Capital Region.
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Client reviews
The reviews shown here are shared by clients who have worked with me in therapy and chosen to reflect on their experience. They are collected via Google and displayed through an independent verification service, offering an open and transparent picture of how my work is experienced.
Mark’s view
“Looking back over my 22 years of practice, the people who suffer most from shame are rarely the ones who seem ashamed. They are the polished ones, the helpful ones, the ones who never ask for anything. Their whole life is arranged so that nobody gets close enough to see the part they believe is rotten. Underneath, I hear questions like ‘If you saw all of me, would you still stay?’ and, just as often, ‘Why would I show anyone this, when I can deal with it myself?’. My strong view is that shame cannot be thought away in private. It loosens when another person sees exactly what you have hidden and does not turn away.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
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You are welcome to get in touch. We can clarify what’s the right therapy for you.
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A typical situation
Anders is 41, a respected architect with a warm marriage and 2 children. Nobody would guess that he dreads the weekly design review. When a colleague questions one of his drawings, he feels heat rise in his neck, goes silent and later lies awake rehearsing how stupid he must have looked. He has never told his wife that his father mocked him at the dinner table for years. He thinks he should be over it by now, which only adds to the shame.
I would start with the moment in the design review, slowly, in detail: the heat, the silence, the voice that tells him he is a fraud. In our first session, Anders would probably notice that the voice sounds remarkably like his father, and that he has been protecting that old wound by hiding. That gives us something real to work with.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
This is when you need shame therapy with me
You have worked hard to be good enough, and the feeling that something in you is wrong has never quite left.
There is no single right time or right reason to begin shame therapy. If you sense that you are hiding more than you want to, that a harsh inner voice is running your days, or that you keep people at a careful distance, that is reason enough. You do not need a diagnosis, a clear story about your childhood or a breaking point before you come to see me. Across 22 years of practice, I have learned to recognise shame even when it is dressed up as perfectionism, politeness or humour, and I know when it has become a pattern that needs proper attention.
My professional view is that shame rarely announces itself. I will help you see where it is operating in your life, what keeps it alive and what needs to change, and I will name what I notice plainly and kindly. The 6 questions below may show you where shame is quietly shaping your days, and whether it is time to book.
Are you spending your energy on hiding parts of yourself?
If you are, that effort deserves attention. Shame is exhausting in a way that is hard to explain to others. You manage how you come across in every meeting, check your face in conversations and prepare a story before anyone asks about your weekend. You may avoid the gym, the doctor or a party because of how you might be seen. By the end of the day you are tired, not from what you did, but from guarding what you are.
I would look at what exactly you are hiding, from whom and since when. Some hiding is ordinary privacy. Some has hardened into a way of living that keeps you lonely even when you are surrounded by people. I will help you tell the 2 apart. If this sounds familiar, book a session with me and we can begin with what costs you most.
Do you long to be truly seen, and dread it at the same time?
Yes, both can be true, because each one is protecting something different. One part of you is hungry for someone to know you completely, mess and all. Another part is certain that if anyone saw that much, they would leave or lose respect for you. So you open up a little, then feel exposed and retreat, or you share only the version of yourself that you have already tidied.
I do not treat either part as the enemy. In psychosynthesis we would call them sub-personalities, inner figures with their own fears and wishes. I help you listen to the part that longs to be known and the part that keeps watch, and understand what each one learned and when. The aim is not to silence the watchful part, but to let you decide, with more freedom, how much of yourself to show and to whom.
Does a small criticism or a cool look stay with you for days?
It often does when shame is close to the surface. A colleague’s raised eyebrow, a friend who seems a little distant or a short text from your partner can feel like proof that you have done something terribly wrong. You go over it again and again, look for clues in their behaviour and may ask, more than once, whether everything is all right between you. Until you are sure, you cannot settle.
Your wish to know where you stand with people is legitimate, and I will not shame it. What I help you notice is how quickly a small sign turns into a verdict about your whole worth. We slow that moment down together and look at the fear underneath, which is often the fear of being dropped or of not mattering. You then practise asking for what you need clearly, rather than scanning faces for the answer.
Do you let people close, then push them away before they see too much?
Many people living with shame do exactly this, and it can be bewildering to watch yourself do it. A new friendship or relationship starts warmly. You feel excited, you share more than usual, and then a wave of exposure arrives. Suddenly you are cold, busy, critical of the other person or gone. Later you miss them, reach out again and the cycle starts over.
I help you slow this down so we can find the exact point where closeness tips into danger. Usually something specific triggers it, such as being seen on a bad day, receiving kindness you feel you have not earned, or showing a need. I have real compassion for the protective reaction behind it. I will also ask you to take responsibility for the hurt it causes others, and help you find ways to step back without slamming the door.
Do you go silent or disappear when you feel exposed?
Withdrawal is one of the oldest responses to shame. When someone is upset with you, or wants more from you than you feel able to give, you may freeze, look away, go very factual or leave the room. Afterwards you might play the whole thing down, as if it did not matter. It restores a sense of control, but the people around you are left outside, and you are left alone with the feeling.
My clear view is that your need for distance is doing a job, and you do not need to be talked out of it. I help you understand what it protects you from, so you can stay in contact a little longer without feeling flooded. Together we find words for saying “I need a moment” or “this is hard for me to hear” before silence turns into a wall. Space is healthy. Vanishing so that nobody can reach you rarely is.
Do you feel, deep down, that something about you is wrong?
That feeling is the heart of shame, and it is worth bringing to therapy on its own. It is different from regretting something you did. It is the sense that you, as a person, are faulty, unlovable or too much. It often grows in childhood, when a child concludes that it is safer to be the bad one than to see that the adults around them are failing. Years of adapting to that belief can leave you unsure what you actually want, beyond not being found out.
I would help you examine where that belief came from and whose voice it carries. Jung called the parts of ourselves we learn to hide the shadow, and shame is often the guard at its door. In my experience, what lies in the shadow is frequently not rotten at all, but alive: anger, desire, tenderness, ambition. I will offer you direction and honest challenge without telling you who to be. The aim is a clearer, kinder sense of who you are and what kind of life fits you.
If you see yourself in these questions, request a free call to talk it over first, or book a session if you are ready to start.
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What shame therapy with me will help you do
Understanding your shame is a start, but the work also needs to change how you speak, relate and carry yourself day to day.
Shame therapy with me will help you understand what happens inside you when shame takes hold, recognise the patterns that keep it in place and change how you live with other people. Many people arrive already able to explain their shame in detail. That knowledge matters, but understanding why you hide, while carrying on hiding, changes very little.
In my more than 22 years of experience, shame work needs a therapist who is present and active, not a blank face. I will tell you what I see, ask you to stay with feelings you would normally run from and challenge the inner voice when it speaks as if it were the truth. These 6 questions describe what we work towards.
For men: shame in men.
How will I help you see what your shame is really about?
I help you separate the shame itself from everything that has grown up around it. The blushing, the over-preparing, the jokes at your own expense and the need to be perfect are real, but they are usually protection rather than the core. Underneath, you will often find a specific old message, such as ‘you are a burden’ or ‘you are only lovable when you perform’, and the emotions that were not allowed in your family.
I bring structure to this. I will offer you my assessment of where the shame sits, what deserves attention first and which explanations keep you stuck, such as “that is just my personality”. We work with what you can see and what lives below awareness, including dreams and the body. When you are ready, book a session with me and we will start tracing it together.
How can you catch shame in the moment, before it takes over?
You can learn to recognise the first signs, and that changes a great deal. Shame has a recognisable shape in the body: heat in the face or neck, eyes dropping, shoulders folding forward, a sudden wish to be invisible. There is often a split-second thought just before, such as ‘they think I am an idiot’. Once you can feel the first of these, you have a moment to respond rather than collapse.
In sessions, I help you slow that sequence right down. We look at what set it off, what it is protecting you from and what it costs you afterwards. Knowing the sequence is only half the work. We practise a different response together, in the room and then in your week, until you can use it in the meeting, the family dinner or the argument where it actually matters.
How can you stay steady when shame floods you?
Staying steady does not mean feeling no shame or putting on a brave face. It means staying present enough to know that you are having a feeling, rather than believing the feeling is a fact about you. Shame tends to shrink your sense of time, so that one mistake feels like your whole life. Regulation is what lets you widen the picture again. Many people carry this alone for years, and my article on struggling in silence describes what that can be like.
I help you notice the flood earlier and understand what your nervous system is reacting to, which is often an old scene more than the present one. We find concrete ways to come back to yourself that fit you, through the body, the breath or a few words you can say to yourself. I will be honest that much of this practice happens between our sessions, in ordinary moments of being seen. Shame changes through repetition, not through one good insight.
How can you speak about yourself without hiding or over-apologising?
Speaking clearly begins with knowing what you feel, what you need and what is actually yours to be sorry for. Shame confuses all three. You may apologise for things that are not your fault, keep quiet about things that matter or explain yourself at great length in the hope of not being judged. Over time, the unspoken builds into resentment or numbness.
I help you find language that is honest, specific and in proportion. I will challenge you when you shrink or apologise for existing, and I will also challenge you when you expect others to guess what you need or to reassure you endlessly. We often practise real sentences in the room, for your manager, your partner or your parents, until saying them no longer feels like stepping off a cliff.
How can you choose freely, rather than from fear of being exposed?
Choices become clearer when you separate the fear of being seen, old obligations and other people’s opinions from what you truly know and value. Shame quietly makes many decisions for you. You turn down the promotion that would make you visible, stay in a job where nobody expects much, or keep a relationship at arm’s length so it cannot reveal you.
I help you look honestly at your options and what each one would ask of you. I will tell you what I see, and I will point it out when shame is steering you away from something you want. I will not make the decision for you. If the main obstacle is a tormenting sense of having done wrong, rather than of being wrong, guilt therapy looks more closely at that.
What does a life without so much hiding look like?
What shifts with me has to hold when you are out among other people. Feeling understood in a session is valuable, but the real test is whether you can tell a friend the truth about a bad week, wear what you like, make a mistake at work and recover by evening. You may need different boundaries with family, different friendships, more honesty in your relationship or simply more room to be ordinary.
We sort out together which hiding habits you can let go of and which parts of your privacy are simply yours to keep. Some modesty, privacy and self-reflection are part of who you are, and they are not the problem. The goal is not to make you someone shameless. It is to help you live with more freedom and responsibility, so that your choices follow your values rather than the fear of being seen.
You can also send me an email
What happens when you begin shame therapy with me
You do not need to explain your shame well, or even name it. I begin with what feels hardest now and what you want to be different.
When you begin, I listen closely, help you put words to the central difficulty and give the work a clear direction early on. I do not expect you to arrive with a diagnosis, a tidy account of your childhood or the courage to say everything at once. Shame often makes the first sessions feel exposing, and I take that into account in how we pace things.
Shame therapy is a focused form of psychotherapy, structured individual work on your inner life and the way you relate to others. If the shame is mainly playing out between you and a partner who is willing to join, couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. When you know the work will need time, my therapy discounts and bundles give you real savings and the safety of a plan agreed from the start.
What happens in our first session about shame?
In our first session, I ask what brought you now, where shame shows up most in your life, what you have already tried and what you hope will change. I pay attention to how it feels for you to be in the room with me, because shame often appears right there. You do not need to tell me everything, and you can decide what to keep for later.
By the end, I give you my first understanding of what is going on and suggest a direction for the work. Then it is up to you whether to come back, based on how it felt to sit with me. If talking first would make it easier to come, request a free 30-minute discovery call.
When should you choose individual therapy for shame?
Individual therapy is the right choice when the shame lives mainly in you: in your inner voice, your history, your body and the way you hold back with people. That is true for most people, even when the shame flares most strongly in a relationship. Being on your own with me also gives you a private space to say things you have never said in front of anyone.
In individual work, I offer direction, continuity and honest challenge from session to session. If you are unsure whether to focus on shame or on your life more widely, Psychotherapy Copenhagen describes my structured individual work as a whole.
When is couples therapy a better choice than shame therapy?
When shame is being stirred up mostly between you and your partner, couples therapy is often where the work belongs. If criticism and defensiveness have become the way you and your partner talk, if one of you feels constantly judged, if a betrayal has left deep humiliation behind, or if you keep hurting each other in the same places, the work usually needs both of you in the room.
With you both there, I help you see how criticism and hiding pass back and forth between you, take responsibility for your share and find kinder ways to meet. That goes well beyond settling one argument. Couples therapy Copenhagen is long-term relational development and healing, and some people work on their own shame first and bring the relationship in later.
How often should you come for shame therapy?
The right pace depends on how heavy the shame is, how much room you have in your life now and how much continuity you need to feel safe enough to open up. Shame work tends to need regular sessions, because long gaps give the hiding time to rebuild itself. Later, the work can usually be spaced out.
To begin with, I suggest seeing me every week or every 2 weeks. I will tell you if sessions are too far apart for trust to build, if a period of closer sessions would help, or if you are ready to come less often. A few sessions back-to-back over several days are possible too, if that suits your life better.
When does a bundle make sense for shame therapy?
A bundle makes sense when you already sense the work will take several sessions and you want continuity rather than a decision after every appointment. Shame often whispers that you are taking up too much of someone’s time. A planned course quietly answers that question in advance and protects space in your calendar for the work.
A bundle also costs less per session, and it settles in advance that you are allowed this time. If you are unsure how many sessions your shame work may need, ask me, and you will get my honest estimate. Every bundle size is listed on therapy discounts and bundles, and the cards further down repeat them.
How will we know when shame therapy has done its job?
Therapy has done its job when you have more ownership, clarity and freedom, and when shame no longer decides what you show, say or attempt. You may still feel it sometimes, because shame is a human feeling. The difference is that it passes through rather than taking over, and you know how to come back to yourself.
Every so often we look plainly at what has changed, and I will not keep you coming longer than the work needs. Sessions can become less frequent, pause or finish when the work has achieved what it needed to. If you return one day with a new question, that is not a sign of failure. It means you are living a fuller life, which brings new questions.
How it works with me
- If a full session feels like too much at once, try a free 30-minute call. If not, book your first session. You only need to say a little about what brings you, so I can check that this is a good place to start.
- The first session is a 1-hour appointment with 50 minutes of therapy, you and me alone, at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen or online, in English or Danish. You can book times between 08:00 and 21:00 Copenhagen time, 7 days a week, subject to availability.
- At the start we usually meet weekly or every second week. Regular contact helps trust grow, and that matters more with shame than with most difficulties.
- Every few sessions, we stop and look honestly at what has shifted. Together we decide whether to keep the pace, focus on guilt or anger more specifically, space the sessions out or finish.
- If you expect several sessions, a therapy bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you a clear plan from the start. You can see the bundles just below.
Save with a prepaid session bundle
How the bundle works
- Current bundle savings are shown on the Pricing page.
- Your bundle is valid for 180 days from the date of purchase.
- The bundle can only be used for the type of session stated on your invoice.
- If you request a refund, sessions already used are recalculated at the standard single-session price.
- The administration fee applied to a bundle refund is shown on the Pricing page.
- VAT follows the type of therapy included in the bundle: VAT-exempt sessions remain VAT exempt, while VAT-liable sessions include applicable VAT.
Compare with nearby options
Not sure shame therapy is the right starting point? Here is how it compares with the options people carrying shame most often consider.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Shame therapy (this page) | You feel that something about you as a person is wrong, and you hide because of it. | Weekly 1-hour sessions at first |
| Psychotherapy | You want to explore your life broadly, with shame as one theme among several. | 1-hour sessions at a pace you choose |
| Guilt therapy | You are tormented by something you did, or feel responsible for everything. | A focused course of 1-hour sessions |
| Trauma therapy | Your shame is rooted in abuse or a frightening event that still intrudes. | Steady, carefully paced sessions |
Frequently asked questions
What is shame therapy with you?
Shame therapy with me is individual psychotherapy for adults who live with a deep sense of being flawed, unworthy or wrong as a person. It helps you understand where that feeling began, what it makes you hide and how it shapes your relationships, so that it slowly loses its grip. You can have it in English or Danish, face to face in central Copenhagen or online.
I work integratively and in depth, with your emotions, your body, your inner voices and what you inherited from your family. Shame therapy is a main branch of my psychotherapy, with more specific help for guilt and anger.
When should I come to you about shame?
Come when shame is shaping your choices: what you say, who you let close, what you dare to try. You do not have to wait until it becomes unbearable. Your own sense that you are hiding too much is reason enough.
Across more than 22 years of practice, I have learned to look for the quieter signs: a person who cannot take a compliment, who over-prepares for everything, who jokes about themselves before anyone else can, or who has never told anyone certain things. If you recognise several of these, and they have been with you for a long time, the shame deserves proper attention.
Can therapy help with shame I have carried since childhood?
Yes, often it can. Shame that began early is usually tied to what you had to believe about yourself in order to stay connected to the people you depended on. Shame learned with other people can loosen with another person who stays. I cannot promise how far it will change or how fast, and I do not offer quick fixes, but deep shame does respond to steady, honest work.
In my clinical experience, people are often surprised by how much changes when they finally say the hidden thing aloud and watch someone stay with them. I would focus with you on the original message, whose voice carries it today and what it has stopped you from living.
I feel too ashamed to talk about it. Can I still come?
Yes. Feeling too ashamed to speak is one of the most common reasons people delay therapy for years, and it is something we can work with directly. You do not have to tell me the hardest thing in the first session, or in the fifth. You decide the pace.
I will not push you to disclose before you are ready, and I will not pretend that nothing is happening when you go quiet. Often we start with what it is like to sit with me and not want to be seen. That alone can be a relief. When you do choose to say more, I will meet it calmly.
Why do I either hide or turn on myself when I feel ashamed?
Both are attempts to survive a feeling that seems unbearable. Some people withdraw, go quiet and wait for it to pass. Others attack themselves first, with harsh words or punishing standards, so that nobody else can do it. Some turn the feeling outward and become critical or irritable with others. None of this makes you a bad person. It is how you learned to cope with being exposed.
Together we notice which of these reactions you reach for first, what it is protecting you from and what price you and others pay for it. Then we build steadier options: staying in contact, speaking about the feeling and treating yourself with the respect you would show a friend. If turning on others is the main pattern, anger therapy addresses it directly.
What will we actually do in the first shame session?
We start with what feels most pressing. I ask where you notice shame, in which situations it is strongest and what you do when it arrives. I ask a little about your family and the atmosphere you grew up in, because shame is almost always learned somewhere. By the end, you will know what I see and what I would suggest.
You do not need to prepare a story or find the right words. If you notice shame about coming to therapy at all, we can begin there. When you feel able, book a first session, or ease in with a free discovery call.
How long does shame therapy usually take?
My recommendation is to plan for a course of sessions over several months rather than a handful of meetings. Shame is usually built over many years and woven into how you relate to people, so it needs time and repeated experiences of being seen without being judged. Shame linked to one recent event can move faster.
Based on more than 22 years of practice, I would rather we agree on a clear first stretch and review it honestly than drift without direction. We look together at what has changed, and you decide with me whether to continue, space out the sessions or stop.
Should I work on my shame alone with you, or bring my partner?
Start alone in most cases. Shame needs a private space where you can say things you have never said, without worrying about how your partner will react. Bring your partner in when the shame is mainly being stirred up between you, or when you both want to change how you speak to each other.
Individual work is part of my psychotherapy practice, and couples work is described under couples therapy. Not sure whether to come alone or together? We can work it out on a free call.
What does shame therapy with you cost?
Shame therapy is individual psychotherapy, booked in 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy. The current price is on my prices page. You pay by invoice and bank transfer.
Because shame work usually needs a run of sessions, a bundle often fits, and it saves you 10 per cent. Each option is set out on therapy discounts and bundles. Settling the invoice by same-day transfer from a Danish bank account brings the cost down by a further 3 per cent.
How do I begin shame therapy with you?
You can book your first session online without speaking to anyone, or ask for a free 30-minute discovery call if hearing my voice first would help. You only need to say as much as feels manageable.
If none of the times suit you, or something has just happened that feels unbearable, contact me directly. I keep a little space free for moments like that and can usually see you within days. Take the step, and we will begin where you are.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
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