At a glance
No test tells you whether to get a divorce. The useful question is whether the marriage is stuck in a pattern that still has room to change. Most people stay unsure for a long time, and a rushed decision is one you argue with for years.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- A firm decision has needs. Often the client who is most stubborn has an agenda of needs underneath that needs to be heard.
- Small joint decisions. A couple who can still make a joint decision about anything, even a small one, is in a different position from a couple who cannot.
- Years of silent leaning out. Very often the partner leaning out has been leaning out for years in silence, and the other is hearing it for the first time.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
Why is “should I get a divorce” so hard to answer?
The question holds 2 true things at once: this is not working, and I do not want to lose it.
- Advice picks one. Most advice picks one truth and ignores the other, which is why none of it fits.
- The exhaustion trap. The more exhausted you are, the better a clean ending looks, and exhaustion is what a long unhappy marriage produces.
- Tiredness. Tiredness feels like evidence and is none.
- The worst week. A decision made in the worst week of a marriage is made by that week.
Is it normal to be unsure about divorce?
Yes, many people are still undecided after they have filed.
- The study. Doherty, Willoughby and Peterson surveyed 2.484 divorcing parents, all of whom had already filed.
- Individuals. Roughly 25 per cent still believed their marriage had a future with hard work, and about 30 per cent were interested in reconciliation services.
- Couples. In a matched group inside the survey, both partners held that belief in about 11 per cent of couples, and in about 33 per cent one partner was interested and the other was not.
- Who is interested. Interest was much higher among people whose partner had initiated the divorce.
Is my marriage over or stuck?
The deciding question is whether the pattern between you still changes.
- Unhappiness. Unhappiness tells you something is wrong and nothing about whether it changes.
- The test. Does anything either of you does still change how the other feels?
- When nothing moves. Where nothing does, and both of you have tried, that tells you a lot.
- Which marriage. Leaving a marriage and leaving this version of the marriage are different questions, and people often answer the second by doing the first.
If it is this version you want to change, read more about whether couples therapy is worth it.
What is discernment counselling?
Discernment counselling is a short, structured piece of work for couples where one person leans out and the other leans in.
- What it leaves out. The Doherty Relationship Institute states that it is not couples therapy: nobody solves problems, learns to communicate better or gets closer.
- The aim. The aim is a clear decision.
- The length. It starts with a single session and runs to a maximum of 5.
- The outcomes. It ends on one of 3 paths: keep things as they are, move towards separation or divorce, or commit to 6 months of couples therapy with divorce off the table.
- The path people miss. Real work for a fixed period with the exit closed differs from open-ended therapy while one of you keeps a foot in the door.
How do I decide whether to get a divorce?
Separate the deciding from the doing, and give the deciding a date. I do not push people towards staying or towards leaving.
- Decide what you are deciding. Ask whether you want to leave the marriage or this version of it.
- Name the changes. Write down the 3 behaviours that would have to change for you to want to stay; if you cannot name 3, that is information.
- Put them to your partner. A list of behaviours gives your partner something specific, where a mood gives them nothing.
- Get one honest outside view. A friend who takes your side does not count.
- Set a date. Ambivalence with no deadline becomes a way of life, and those years are real years.
- Choose therapy freely. Therapy works when you are both in the room because you decided to be, and a fixed period with a clear agenda beats open-ended sessions while one of you has already gone.
Where one partner is frightened of the other, couples therapy is the wrong room, and individual work comes first.
These steps fail when one of you has been leaning out for years and the other has only just heard it, because you are deciding from different points. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
How do I know if my marriage is over?
No reliable sign exists, and anyone selling you one is guessing. Test whether anything either of you does still changes how the other feels.
Is couples therapy worth trying before a divorce?
Only if you both choose it. A fixed period with a clear agenda beats open-ended sessions while one of you has already gone.
What if I want to stay and my partner wants to leave?
That is the most common shape of this question. Discernment work is designed for the mismatch, and it protects the person leaning in from being marched towards an ending they did not choose.
Is staying together better for the children?
The research supports no simple answer either way, and it depends on how much conflict the children live with. Children are affected more by how their parents behave than by which address they live at.
How long should I take to decide about a divorce?
Take long enough that the decision is not made by your worst week, and set a date. Ambivalence with no deadline becomes a way of life.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- Doherty, W. J., Willoughby, B. J. and Peterson, B., Interest in Marital Reconciliation Among Divorcing Parents, Family Court Review, 2011
- The Doherty Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
