Should I get a divorce, or am I giving up too soon?

Why is this question so hard to answer?

You are choosing between 2 losses rather than between a good marriage and a bad one.

You rehearse the sentence in the car, get as far as the kitchen and say something about the dishwasher instead. The relief at the thought of your own flat is real, and so is the sickness that arrives an hour later at the thought of that same flat on a Sunday evening. Your appetite goes. You wake at 4 with the argument already running. Only after all of that does your mind begin building a case, and whichever side it builds for, the other side is still standing there in the morning. Both feelings are reporting something accurate about your marriage. Neither of them is a verdict.

Exhaustion makes it harder. The longer an unhappy marriage runs the more tired you are, and tiredness makes any clean ending look like clarity. A decision taken in the worst week of a marriage is taken by that week rather than by you. That is a reason to slow down and not a reason to wait indefinitely, because years spent undecided are still years of your life.

Read more about how to tell quiet from finished.

Is it normal to be unsure about divorce?

Unsure is the ordinary condition of this question, and people are still unsure while the divorce is already under way.

This is the part my clients are most ashamed of. They expect to have settled something inside themselves before they are allowed to act, and then they find themselves filling in forms while still half hoping to be talked out of it. Among divorcing parents who had already begun the process, about one in 4 still held some belief that the marriage could be saved, and in about one in 3 of the matched couples one partner was interested in reconciliation while the other was not¹. Interest ran highest among the people whose partner had started the divorce.

That mismatch is the shape I see most. Being left and choosing to leave are 2 different experiences of the same ending, and they do not run on the same clock. The one who has been deciding for 2 years wants to talk about arrangements. The one who heard it on Tuesday is still trying to breathe.

Is my marriage over or stuck?

The question worth sitting with is whether the pattern between you still moves at all.

Unhappiness tells you something is wrong and nothing about whether it will change, so watch for movement instead. If you say something differently and your partner answers differently, even slightly, the pattern is still live. If you have each tried in good faith over a long stretch and the evening still ends the same way, that is worth taking seriously. This is an aid to thinking rather than a measurement, and one bad fortnight settles nothing.

• Which marriage you are leaving. Leaving the marriage and leaving this version of it are 2 different questions, and people answer the second by doing the first.
• What has already been asked for. Where nothing specific has ever been asked for out loud, the pattern has been endured rather than tested.
• Where the load sits. If one of you has carried the repair work alone for years, that changes what a fair attempt would even look like from here.
• What stays uncertain. Whether you can live with what your partner is unwilling to change does not resolve on paper. It needs saying out loud to somebody before it comes clear.

If it is this version you want to change, read more about whether couples therapy is worth it.

What is discernment counselling?

Discernment counselling is a short, structured piece of work for couples where one of you is leaning out and the other is leaning in.

• What it is not. It is not couples therapy²: nobody is there to solve problems together, communicate better or get closer.
• What it is for. The aim is clarity and confidence about a direction, which is a different job from improving a relationship.
• The shape of it. It opens with one longer session and runs to a maximum of 5, and each of you decides separately whether to come back.
• The 3 paths. It ends on one of 3 outcomes²: keep things as they are, move towards separation or divorce, or commit to 6 months of couples therapy with divorce off the table.
• Why the third path matters. Working for a fixed period with the exit closed is a different experience from open-ended sessions while one of you keeps a hand on the door. In my judgement that difference shows within a few weeks.

Read more about what discernment counselling involves and about what to agree before anyone moves out.

How do I decide whether to get a divorce?

Separate the deciding from the doing, give the deciding a date, and make the decision from a normal week rather than your worst one. I do not push people towards staying or towards leaving.

• Name what you are deciding. Work out whether you want to leave the marriage or leave this version of it, and write down which one you mean.
• Name the changes. Write the 3 behaviours that would have to change for you to want to stay. If you cannot name 3, that is information rather than a failure.
• Say them out loud. A specific request gives your partner something to answer. A mood gives them nothing to work with.
• Get one honest outside view. A friend who takes your side is company rather than perspective.
• Set a date to look at it again. Being undecided with no end in sight becomes a way of living. Give it a date so that it does not quietly become the rest of your life.

These steps are not enough when one of you has been leaning out for years and the other heard it last week, because you are deciding from different places and one of you needs time the other has already taken. They are the wrong instrument if you are frightened of your partner, where individual work comes first and a joint room is not safe for this conversation. They are also the wrong instrument for the practical arrangements that follow a decision, which are a separate piece of work and not what I do here. If the deciding is the part you keep going round, that is what a session, or the free 30-minute call, is for.

Questions people ask

Can I come to therapy on my own while I decide?

Yes, and that is the right room when you are the only one asking the question. Individual work lets you say the unsayable version out loud before you decide what to do with it.

Will the therapist push us towards staying together?

No, my job is to help you decide with your eyes open rather than to defend the marriage. A therapist who has a preferred outcome for you is in the wrong seat.

How is discernment counselling different from couples therapy for us?

Discernment work decides the direction, and couples therapy does the repair once a direction is chosen. Starting the second while one of you is still deciding is what makes therapy feel useless.

What if my partner will not come to a session?

Then I work with the half of it you can reach, which is your own. What you stop doing changes the pattern at home even when your partner changes nothing.

How many sessions would this take before anything is clearer?

A few sessions is usually enough to tell whether the pattern moves, and I would rather say that early than keep you coming. That is a suggestion from my own practice rather than a fixed rule, since a mismatch between 2 people takes longer to work with.

If you are torn about whether to end your marriage, divorce therapy is where I help you weigh it honestly, without pressure either way.

Sources

1. Doherty, W. J., Willoughby, B. J. and Peterson, B., Interest in Marital Reconciliation Among Divorcing Parents, Family Court Review, 2011
2. The Doherty Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling

How this article was written: I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. I read the draft, correct and improve it and stand behind every clinical statement. The professional and clinical judgement is mine.