At a glance
A trial separation is either a way of deciding or a way of avoiding the decision. What you agree before anybody packs a bag settles which one you get. With a purpose, an end date and work done during the time apart, it gives you perspective, and without them it is a slow ending that nobody takes responsibility for.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- End date before start date. The couples in my therapy room who use a separation well tend to set the end date before they set the start date.
- A trial and an ending. Where one of them calls it a trial and the other hears an ending, both are usually right about their own half of it.
- The unwatched evening. What the time apart most reliably reveals is what each of you does with an evening that nobody is watching.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
Does a trial separation work?
A trial separation works when it is done for a stated reason, with clear agreements, and with both of you working while it lasts. That is the condition in the published guidance on trial separations: done in the right way and for the right reasons, time apart helps a couple gain perspective and strengthens the relationship.
- Honest evaluation. You use the time to look at the relationship as it is, including your own part in it.
- Work on yourself. Each of you changes something in your own conduct while you live apart.
- Therapy during it. Both of you commit to regular sessions for as long as the separation lasts.
- Clear agreements. The boundaries, the expectations and the length are set before it starts.
What do the figures on separation say?
The figures say that a separation with nothing decided runs towards divorce. In research reported by Ohio State University, about 80 per cent of the people who separated eventually divorced, and about 5 per cent attempted to reconcile.
- What it measured. Long marital separations in the United States, tracked over decades.
- Who stayed separated. The group that stayed separated for years was markedly poorer and less educated than the group that divorced.
- What the researchers called it. A low-cost, do-it-yourself alternative to divorce.
- How firm it is. This is conference research reported by the university, and no peer-reviewed paper.
A couple taking a few planned months apart with a therapist is a different case. Read the figures as a warning about drift. They are no forecast for you.
When does a trial separation do damage?
A trial separation does damage when it is vague. A vague separation is a slow ending that nobody has to take responsibility for.
- Detachment. You live apart, the relief sets in, and each week you need each other a little less.
- The same patterns. You move back in and find the habits that made the distance necessary still there, because nobody worked on them.
- Refused therapy. One or both of you will not go, and the time apart has nothing in it.
- Avoided responsibility. Each of you waits for the other to change.
- Different projects. One of you is trying to come back and the other is trying to leave quietly.
Distance on its own changes very little. Then 2 people spend months apart practising exactly the habits that sent them into separate homes. Read more about why the same argument keeps coming back.
What is a trial separation for?
A trial separation is for making a decision that you are unable to make while living together. Time apart makes no decision for you. It gives you a space where you make one, or comfortably avoid it.
- A purpose. If neither of you is able to say what the time apart is for, it is no trial, and I say so in the room.
- A date. A separation with a review date is an instrument for deciding, and one without is a departure lounge.
- A difference. I want to know what each of you will do differently while it lasts.
- An honest name. If one of you has already decided, the 2 of you are in a different conversation.
Read more about what to do when one of you has already decided.
How do you set up a trial separation so it helps?
You set it up by agreeing the purpose, the rules and the review date before anybody moves out.
- Write the purpose separately. Each of you writes one sentence about what the time apart is for, before you discuss it.
- Set the end date first. Fix the day you sit down and review it, then choose the day it starts.
- Agree the contact. Decide how often you speak, and about what.
- Agree the money. Decide who pays for which part of running 2 homes.
- Agree what the children hear. Decide what they are told, and tell them together.
- No dating. Do not date other people while you live apart.
- Keep the sessions. Book regular therapy for the whole period.
If the 2 sentences describe different projects, you have found the actual conversation, and it has nothing to do with the flat.
These steps fail when one of you agrees to anything to keep the door open and the other has already left. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
How long should a trial separation be?
Long enough to be real and short enough to end. Open-ended is the version that becomes a divorce by default.
Should you date other people during a trial separation?
No, do not date other people while you live apart. If the 2 of you want different answers to that question, you have learned what this separation actually is.
What do you tell the children?
Tell them something true, short and agreed in advance, said by both of you together. They need to know what happens to them, and they do not need the reasons.
What if only one of us wants the separation?
Then the agreements matter more, because the one who did not want it is the one most likely to agree to anything. Write the purpose down separately before you discuss it.
Does missing each other mean the trial separation worked?
No, missing each other tells you very little. What each of you does with the time apart tells you more.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- Tumin, D. and Qian, Z., research on marital separation in the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth 1979, reported by Ohio State University, 2012
- The Gottman Institute, Do Trial Separations Work?
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
