Why the same argument keeps coming back, and how to end it

Why does the same argument keep coming back?

It comes back because it was stopped and never finished. It starts over something small, and soon you are both saying sentences you have said before, in the same order, with the same ending.

• How it ends. Someone wins, someone gives in, or both of you get tired, and only the first involves anybody changing their mind.
• The question waits. Giving in and tiredness leave the original question where it was.
• One subject, many costumes. The fight returns attached to whatever is nearest, which is why it looks as though you argue about everything.
• Each reaction triggers the next. Your reaction sets off your partner’s reaction, and before long you both react to the pattern and no longer to what is happening now.
• Sometimes the topic is the subject. Where the argument concerns money, care work or a broken agreement, the practical arrangement is what needs to change.

What is the fight actually about?

In my clinical view, most repeating arguments carry one of 2 claims: whether you matter, or whether you are free.

• “You never listen.” This is rarely a complaint about listening; it says you are not important enough to be attended to.
• “Stop telling me what to do.” This is rarely about the instruction; it says that being with this person costs you yourself.
• Hard to say plainly. Both are reasonable things to want, and they arrive disguised as an argument about the calendar.
• The practical case. Sometimes something was agreed and has not happened, and the argument is about exactly what it says.
• The last sentence. After the next round, write down the last sentence each of you said, word for word; the ending is where the real subject shows itself.

Read more about what happens when the tone turns to contempt.

Why does winning the argument change nothing?

Winning changes nothing because you win the wrong case.

• The bins. You establish beyond argument that you took the bins out on Tuesday, and that settles the bins.
• The claim underneath. Your partner feels alone with the running of the house, and now feels alone and wrong.
• Being reasonable. The calmer and more accurate you are about the surface topic, the more completely the real one goes unanswered.
• Back in the queue. The unanswered subject waits for its next occasion.

What keeps the loop running?

Keeping the peace, arguing the evidence and waiting for the right moment keep it running.

• Keeping the peace. Smoothing it over ends the evening and keeps the question.
• Arguing the evidence. Dates, messages and who said what win the surface case and leave the real one untouched.
• Waiting for the right moment. The right moment is one when neither of you cares much, which is also a moment when nothing moves.
• Time. A study of 127 long-term married couples over 13 years found that pressure and blame stayed roughly where they were, while avoidance rose.
• Quieter, and unresolved. Couples do not argue their way out of this; they get quieter.

Read more about when the feeling has gone quiet.

Are some arguments never going to be solved?

Yes, and knowing which ones is most of the work.

• Preference differences. How tidy a home should be, how much family is too much family and how loud is too loud do not get solved.
• Handled, and not won. Both of you stop trying to win and start deciding what you will each carry, which is the ordinary condition of a long relationship.
• Unmet requests. The arguments worth solving are the ones where something is asked for and not given, and those move once the right question is on the table.
• A real difference. Some arguments concern a real difference that clear speech only makes clearer.

Read more about how couples fight, and how to fight better.

How do I stop the same argument from coming back?

Say the request underneath the complaint, and agree what happens next time. Overall and colleagues followed 61 couples for 12 months: direct requests were rated as less successful in the moment and predicted more change later, and positive indirect approaches felt more successful and predicted none.

• Say the real request. “I want you to ask me how the meeting went” is harder to say than “you are completely self-absorbed”, and it is the only one of the 2 your partner is able to agree to.
• Say both halves. “I want Tuesday and Thursday pickups to be yours, in the calendar” is the agreement, and “I want to stop being the person who remembers” is the feeling.
• Accept the discomfort. Being easy to live with in the short run and getting nowhere are often the same choice.
• Repair, do not rule. Deciding who was right ends nothing; “when I go quiet, ask me once more” is something 2 people are able to do.
• Speak and listen. Learn both how to speak so your partner hears you and how to listen to what they are saying.

If raising something plainly with your partner is followed by punishment or fear, directness is the wrong advice and a joint conversation is the wrong place to start. Read more about when one of you goes silent.

These steps fail when the argument has worn a groove that neither of you is able to leave from inside, and the real request stays buried beneath criticism and defence. That is what the session is for.

Questions people ask

Why do my partner and I keep having the same argument?

The argument has been stopped and never finished. Someone gave in or both of you got tired, so the original question returns attached to the next available subject.

Is it normal for couples to argue about the same thing for years?

Yes, it is common. The argument tends to get quieter over the years and stay unresolved.

How do I stop an argument going round in circles?

Stop arguing the evidence and say the request underneath it. Dates and messages settle the surface topic and leave the real one in place.

Should I just let it go to keep the peace?

Let it go for preference differences that will never be solved, and hold on for a request that keeps being made and not met.

Does couples therapy work on an argument that has lasted years?

A third person holding the shape of the conversation makes a different ending possible. It comes with no guarantee.

Sources

• Overall, Fletcher, Simpson and Sibley, Regulating partners in intimate relationships: the costs and benefits of different communication strategies, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009
• Holley, Haase and Levenson, Age-related changes in demand-withdraw communication behaviors, Journal of Marriage and Family, 2013

How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.