Discernment counseling: when one of you wants to leave

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is a method for deciding what happens to a relationship when the 2 of you want different things. Bill Doherty developed it at the University of Minnesota, and the published account sets it at between one and 5 sessions. The American spelling comes with the name.

• Who it is for. One partner wants to continue, and the other is considering separation or divorce and has not made a final decision.
• Separate conversations. Much of the work happens with each of you alone, which is the opposite of how couples therapy is arranged.
• No change required. Nobody is asked to practise anything or to demonstrate improvement.
• One goal. Each of you reaches clarity and confidence about the next step.

Why does couples therapy stall when one of you wants to leave?

Couples therapy stalls because it assumes a shared goal, and the 2 of you do not have one. You are trying to have different conversations in the same room.

• The one leaning in. You want to repair, so you offer solutions.
• The one leaning out. You want to be understood about why you are going, so you offer conclusions.
• What each hears. Each of you hears the other’s conversation as an attack, and both of you are half right.
• The audition. One partner performs change and the other grades it.

That is the wrong instrument for the job, whoever the therapist is. Sitting in a room where you both have to pretend to want the same thing is exhausting, and it is why many couples give up on therapy before they give up on each other.

How common is it that only one of you wants to stay?

It is the ordinary shape of a relationship that is close to ending. A survey of 2,484 divorcing parents in the United States asked people who were already well inside the divorce process.

• Still hoping. About 1 in 4 of them still believed the marriage was saveable.
• Both hoping. In about 1 in 9 of the matched couples, both partners believed it.
• Who hopes more. The partner who had not started the divorce showed substantially more interest in reconciliation than the one who had.
• Men and women. Men showed more interest than women.

The asymmetry between you is how this usually looks, and it says nothing about how well the 2 of you communicate.

What happens in discernment counseling?

You weigh 3 paths, and each of you is asked a different question. The paths are on the table from the first session, as the method is described.

• Path one. Keep things as they are.
• Path 2. Move towards separation or divorce.
• Path 3. Commit to a defined period of couples therapy, agreed at the start, with divorce off the table while it runs.
• The question for the one leaning out. What part of this do you own?
• The question for the one leaning in. What would you change, and would you do it for a reason other than keeping your partner?

On the third path the partner leaning out suspends the decision for a set period. Suspending is a different act from abandoning, and if the 2 are blurred the couples therapy that follows fails for the old reason.

Do I offer discernment counseling?

No, I am not a trained Discernment Counselor, and I do not describe my work by somebody else’s trademark. What I take from the method is its principle.

• The decision comes first. Everything else waits until it has been made.
• The one leaning out is talked to properly. I treat the partner who wants to leave as somebody with reasons, and never as the problem in the room.
• Nobody performs. Nobody is asked to show change while the decision is still open.
• No hidden hope. A therapist quietly hoping for one outcome is no use to the person leaning out, and that person always knows.

I make sure the decision is made and not defaulted into. A relationship that ends by attrition leaves both people with nothing to say about it afterwards.

How do you decide when one wants to leave and one wants to stay?

You decide by working on the decision itself, and you leave the repair alone until the decision is made.

• Name the pair. Notice which of you keeps offering solutions and which keeps offering conclusions, and say it out loud.
• Stop the audition. If you are leaning in, stop offering change in a rush.
• Own your part. If you are leaning out, say what part of this is yours, with no promise attached.
• Choose a path. Say which of the 3 paths you are on today, each of you, in one sentence.
• Set a period. If you choose couples therapy, agree how long, and keep divorce off the table until that date.

If the outcome is separation, the work still counted, because deciding properly shapes how you speak to each other afterwards. Read more about the agreements to make before anybody moves out.

These steps fail when each of you hears the other’s conversation as an attack. That is what the session is for.

Questions people ask

Is discernment counseling just couples therapy under another name?

No, couples therapy works on the relationship and discernment counseling works on the decision. It runs largely in separate conversations and it is short.

What if I already know I want to leave?

Then discernment counseling is the wrong piece of work for you, because it is built for a partner who has not made a final decision. What is still open is how you leave, and that is worth doing properly.

Does my partner have to agree to come?

Both of you attend, and you do not need to agree about the outcome. Disagreeing is the premise.

How long does discernment counseling take?

It is short by design. If it runs on, it has become something else and should be given its proper name.

What if my partner will not come?

Then the work is done with you on your own. It does not deliver the conversation between the 2 of you, and it does get you clear about your own half.

Sources

• The Gottman Institute, Discernment Counseling v. Couples Therapy
• Doherty, W. J., Willoughby, B. J. and Peterson, B., Interest in Marital Reconciliation Among Divorcing Parents, Family Court Review, 2011
• University of Minnesota, Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, published research

How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.