Performance anxiety therapy Copenhagen
Help when the fear of failing in bed has taken over
I help you stop watching yourself and become present again
- Last updated October 19, 2026
What I want you to know about the fear of failing in bed
In this short video, I explain how one difficult night can turn into a cycle of fear, and why the way out is presence rather than more effort.
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At a glance
Performance anxiety therapy Copenhagen helps men whose fear of failing sexually has started to run the show: worry about losing an erection, finishing sooner than you want or disappointing someone you care about. The work is one to one, in 1-hour appointments with 50 minutes of therapy, in English or Danish, at my practice in central Copenhagen or online if that feels more private.
I am a psychotherapist, not a doctor or a sexologist, so I always recommend a GP check for physical causes. My part is the fear itself: where it comes from, what keeps it going and how you get out of your head and back into the moment. It is a focused branch of men’s sexuality therapy, part of my psychotherapy for men.
You can request a free discovery call, book a session, look at my client policy or contact me directly with a private question.
Is this the right page for you?
This is for you if…
Performance anxiety therapy Copenhagen is for men who have started to dread sex because they fear their body will let them down. It may have begun with one bad night, a new relationship or a stressful year. You want to stop grading yourself and enjoy being close again.
- You lost an erection once, months ago, and now you think about it every time things start to become intimate.
- You spend the first minutes with a new partner checking your own body instead of noticing the person you are with.
- You have started having a drink or 2 beforehand, just to take the edge off something that should feel easy.
- You avoid dating, or end things after a few dates, because you fear the moment things turn physical.
- You worry that you finish sooner than you want, and the worrying seems to make it happen even faster.
- You have looked at pills online and wondered whether to try them without telling anyone, not even your doctor.
- Your body seems to work fine when there is no pressure, which makes it more confusing when it fails with someone you like.
- You feel a shame you cannot put into words, as if your whole worth as a man depends on this one thing.
This is probably not for you if…
Some fears look similar but need a different starting point. If one of these fits you more closely, the linked page is a better start.
- Your questions about sex are wider: fading desire, distance at home or who you are drawn to. → men’s sexuality therapy
- A porn habit you hide feels like the bigger problem, and you want to understand it. → compulsive porn use therapy
- Worry follows you everywhere, and the bedroom is just one place among many where it shows. → anxiety therapy
- Sex is one worry among several about your life as a man. → psychotherapy for men
- The difficulty lives between you and your partner, and your partner is willing to come too. → couples therapy
- Something has happened that you cannot get through this week without help. → acute psychotherapy
- Your fear is mostly about presenting, speaking up or being judged at work and in public. → social anxiety therapy
- You are in immediate danger, or you are thinking about ending your life. Please call 112, or 1813 for urgent mental health help in the Capital Region.
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Client reviews
The reviews shown here are shared by clients who have worked with me in therapy and chosen to reflect on their experience. They are collected via Google and displayed through an independent verification service, offering an open and transparent picture of how my work is experienced.
Mark’s view
“In more than two decades of sitting with people, I have come to believe that most men with performance anxiety are trying far too hard, and that the trying is the problem. They treat intimacy like an exam and mark themselves while it is happening. Underneath I hear ‘Will I still be wanted if this goes wrong again?’ and, just as often, ‘I would rather not start anything than risk that feeling.’ A man cannot be fully with someone and watch himself at the same time. When you stop performing and start paying attention to the person in front of you, your body usually has far less to fight against.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
Connect with me:
If you want me to call you ASAP, or if you want to book me, use the buttons below.
You are welcome to get in touch. We can clarify what’s the right therapy for you.
You can also send me an email
A typical situation
Nikolaj is 31, a software developer who met someone he really likes at a friend’s birthday in Nørrebro. On their third night together, he lost his erection and made a joke about being tired. Since then he has cancelled 2 dates, slept badly and read everything online about what might be wrong with him. He has not seen his GP because he is embarrassed, and he has told nobody, not even his closest friend.
I would first ask Nikolaj to book a GP check, so we know what we are dealing with. Then I would start with the morning after that night, when he began watching himself. In our first session, he would probably notice how familiar this fear of being found lacking is, from school, from football and from home.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
This is when you need performance anxiety therapy with me
You have tried to relax, to push through and to avoid the subject, and the fear still gets there before you do.
There is no right time or right reason to talk about this. If the fear of failing has begun to change how you date, how you touch or how you see yourself, that is enough. You do not need a diagnosis, a test result or a crisis first. In 22 years of practice, I have seen how quickly one bad experience can become a pattern, and I recognise when it needs proper help.
My professional view is that the fear deserves as much attention as the body. I will help you see what happens in you before and during intimacy, what keeps the cycle going and what needs to change. The 6 questions below may help you decide whether to book.
Do you start worrying long before anything has even happened?
Then the anxiety is already doing its work. You notice it in the afternoon before a date, on the bike home, or the moment your partner gives you a certain look. Your stomach tightens, your thoughts race ahead and you start planning exits. By the time you are close to someone, you are tired from the worrying.
I would look at how long this has been going on and whether it is tied to one person, to new partners or to stress at work. See your GP too, because erection problems can have physical causes that deserve a check. If the evenings before a date look like this, book a session with me.
Do you long to be close and also hope the evening ends early?
Both can be true at once. One part of you wants touch, warmth and the ease you remember. Another part wants to avoid any chance of failing again, and feels relief when your partner falls asleep first. You may plan a lovely evening and then find yourself suggesting a film that runs late.
I do not treat the careful part as the enemy. It is trying to protect you from shame. I help you understand what each side needs, so you can choose closeness deliberately instead of being pulled back and forth by fear.
Do you scan your partner’s face for any sign of disappointment?
Many men do. A sigh, a quiet moment or a partner turning over becomes evidence that you have failed. You may apologise too much, ask whether everything is all right, or replay the evening for days. The reassurance helps for an hour, then the doubt returns.
Your need to know you are wanted is real, and I will not shame it. What I help you change is the alarm that reads every pause as rejection. We look at where that alarm was set, and you practise asking for what you need directly, instead of searching faces for clues.
Do you reach for closeness and then shut it down the moment you feel watched?
This back and forth is common with performance anxiety. You want to be held, and you start things with real warmth. Then, as soon as it matters, you feel exposed and pull away, turn it into a joke or suddenly need the bathroom. Afterwards you feel foolish, and your partner feels confused.
I help you slow this sequence down until we can see the exact moment wanting turns into bracing. I have compassion for that reflex. I will also help you take responsibility for how it lands on your partner, and find ways to pause that do not feel like rejection.
Have you started avoiding intimacy altogether, so you cannot fail?
Avoidance is the quietest form of this anxiety. You stop dating, you stay late at work, or you keep a relationship warm but never let it become physical. It feels like control. The cost is loneliness, and a partner who may believe the problem is them.
My view is that the distance is protecting you from humiliation, and I will not shame it. I help you understand what it guards, so you can move towards closeness in steps you can manage. Avoiding for a while is understandable. Avoiding for years usually is not what you want. If avoidance has left your relationship without sex, my article on the sexless marriage may help.
Has this started to feel like a verdict on you as a man?
For many men, sexual confidence is tied to a much bigger question: am I enough? When your body does not respond the way you expect, it can feel like proof that you are lacking, as a partner, as a man, even as a person. You may withdraw from friends or overwork to feel competent somewhere.
I help you separate what is happening in your body from what you have decided it says about you. Often the harsh voice belongs to an older story, about a father, a school yard or a culture that rated men by performance. The aim is a sense of yourself that does not rise and fall with one night.
If this sounds like you, request a free call to ask your questions privately, or book a session if you are ready to start.
You can also send me an email
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What performance anxiety therapy with me will help you do
Knowing that it is anxiety helps, but you also need to change what you do in the moment, and how you speak about it.
Performance anxiety therapy with me will help you understand the fear, see the cycle that keeps it alive and change how you show up in intimate moments. Understanding alone rarely loosens the grip. Change happens when you try something different and your body learns it is safe.
Psychotherapy is my core training. Since 2010 I have also been a student of men’s work, with Eli Buren, a dear friend and mentor, as a central influence, and it adds to and deepens that training. Here the idea I use most comes from David Deida’s “The Way of the Superior Man”: a man’s strength in intimacy lies in presence, in being fully with the other person, rather than in performing for them. I will guide you and challenge you, not only listen. These 6 questions describe what we work towards.
How will I help you understand what the fear is really about?
I help you tell the fear itself apart from the noise it creates. The racing thoughts, the checking and the avoidance are real, but they usually sit on top of something else: a fear of being judged, an old sense of never being good enough, or pressure you carry in every part of life.
I tell you what I see, what deserves attention first and which beliefs keep you stuck, such as “a real man should never have this problem”. Many men who perform well everywhere else know this pattern, and my article on high-functioning anxiety describes it. When you want to start, book a session with me.
How can you notice the moment you start watching yourself?
You can learn to catch it early. There is usually a precise moment when you leave the experience and become a spectator: a thought like “is it working?”, a tightening in your chest, a quick check of your body. Once you know that moment, you can choose to come back.
In sessions, I help you slow the sequence down and name each step. We practise turning your attention outwards, to touch, breath and the person you are with. Recognition alone is not enough. You practise between sessions until coming back to the moment feels natural.
How can you calm your body when the fear kicks in?
Calming down does not mean forcing yourself to relax. Your body cannot be ordered to feel safe. It means staying present enough to notice what is happening and to slow down rather than rush or give up.
I help you recognise the first signs of alarm and understand what your nervous system is bracing against. We find simple ways to settle that suit you, such as your breathing, a pause or a few honest words. I will ask you to practise these between sessions, away from any pressure.
How can you tell a partner what is going on without feeling humiliated?
It begins with knowing what you feel and what you need, instead of hiding behind jokes or excuses. Many men stay silent because they fear that naming it will make it real. In my experience, silence usually makes it heavier, for both of you.
I help you find words that are honest and simple, such as “I get nervous, and it helps if we slow down”. I will challenge both your silence and any wish to make your partner responsible for your fear. We often rehearse the conversation together first.
How can you make choices about dating and closeness without fear deciding?
Clearer choices become possible when you separate the fear of failing from what you actually want. Fear tends to say “do not date”, “do not commit” or “end it before they find out”. None of these is a decision. They are escape routes.
I help you look at your options and what each would ask of you. Whether to try medication is a question for your doctor, not for me. I will give you my view and point it out when you are avoiding, but the choices stay yours.
What does intimacy without the pressure to perform look like?
Lasting change reaches beyond feeling braver in my room. It shows in how you date, how you talk with a partner and how you treat yourself after a less successful night. You may need slower beginnings, more honesty, less alcohol or simply more rest.
I help you sort out what has to change and what can stay just as it is. Your sensitivity and your wish to please someone are not the problem. The goal is intimacy built on presence and warmth, where an off night is just an off night.
You can also send me an email
What happens when you begin performance anxiety therapy with me
You do not need to explain anything in detail or have the right words. We start from where the fear is today and what you would like to change.
When you begin, I listen, help you name the central difficulty and give the work a direction from the first session. You do not need a diagnosis, and I will not ask for more detail than you want to give.
This is a focused form of psychotherapy, structured individual work on the fear and what lies beneath it. If the difficulty turns out to live mostly in the relationship, and your partner is willing, couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. If you expect several sessions, therapy discounts and bundles give you savings and the safety of a plan.
What happens in our first session about performance anxiety?
I ask what brought you now, when the fear began, how it shows up and what you have already tried. I also ask whether you have seen your GP, because ruling out physical causes is part of doing this properly. Your life story can wait.
By the end, I give you my first understanding of the cycle and a proposed direction. You decide whether my way of working suits you. If you would rather ask a few questions first, request a free 30-minute discovery call.
When is individual therapy the right place for performance anxiety?
Individual work is the right choice when the fear lives mainly in you: in your body, your inner critic and your history. That is true for most men with performance anxiety, whether they are single or in a relationship. We can look at your relationships fully without anyone else in the room.
I keep the thread between sessions and give you direction and honest challenge. You can read about my structured individual work as a whole on Psychotherapy Copenhagen.
When is couples therapy a better choice for performance anxiety?
Couples therapy is the better choice when the relationship itself needs attention: when the subject has become a source of blame, when your partner feels rejected, or when you both avoid each other to keep the peace. Then the fear is part of a cycle between you.
In couples work, I help you both see that cycle, take responsibility for your own part and build safer closeness. Couples therapy Copenhagen is long-term relational development and healing. Some men start alone and invite their partner later.
How often should you come for performance anxiety therapy?
The pace depends on how much the fear is affecting your life, how much room you have and how quickly you want to move. Performance anxiety usually responds well to a steady rhythm, because each step needs practice before the next.
I recommend starting weekly or every second week. I will tell you if the gaps are too long for anything to build, and when the work can safely become less frequent. Back-to-back sessions over a few days are possible if your schedule needs it.
When does a bundle make sense for performance anxiety?
A bundle makes sense when you know the work will take several sessions and you want continuity rather than a decision after every appointment. Anxiety loves a reason to cancel, and a plan removes that option.
Bundles bring significant savings and the safety of a plan you have already agreed to. I will help you judge whether one fits. Details are on therapy discounts and bundles, with the cards just below.
How will we know when the fear has loosened enough?
The work has done its job when the fear no longer decides how you date, touch or see yourself. An off night may still happen, as it does for everyone, but it no longer starts a spiral.
I review progress with you openly and do not encourage dependency. Sessions can become less frequent, pause or end when the work has done its job. If the fear returns in a new chapter of life, coming back is not failure.
How it works with me
- Book a free 30-minute call, or reserve your first session straight away. One line about what worries you is enough.
- We meet for a 1-hour appointment with 50 minutes of therapy, in person at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen or online, in English or Danish. Appointments are available from 08:00 to 21:00 Copenhagen time on all 7 days of the week, subject to availability.
- If you have not done so, you see your GP to check for physical causes, while we begin on the fear.
- We usually meet weekly or every second week, with small steps to practise in between, and review together every few sessions.
- If you expect several sessions, a therapy bundle saves you 10 per cent and gives you a clear plan from the start. You can see the bundles just below.
Save with a prepaid session bundle
How the bundle works
- Current bundle savings are shown on the Pricing page.
- Your bundle is valid for 180 days from the date of purchase.
- The bundle can only be used for the type of session stated on your invoice.
- If you request a refund, sessions already used are recalculated at the standard single-session price.
- The administration fee applied to a bundle refund is shown on the Pricing page.
- VAT follows the type of therapy included in the bundle: VAT-exempt sessions remain VAT exempt, while VAT-liable sessions include applicable VAT.
Compare with nearby options
Not sure performance anxiety therapy is where to begin? This is how it sits beside the nearest alternatives.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Performance anxiety therapy (this page) | Fear of failing sexually has started to shape how you date, touch or avoid closeness. | Weekly 1-hour sessions at first |
| Men’s sexuality therapy | Your questions are wider: desire, distance or who you are as a sexual man. | 1-hour sessions at a pace you choose |
| Compulsive porn use therapy | A porn habit you cannot stop is the main thing you want help with. | Regular sessions close together at first |
| Social anxiety therapy | Your fear of being judged lives mostly at work and with other people. | A focused course of 1-hour sessions |
Frequently asked questions
What is performance anxiety therapy with you?
Performance anxiety therapy with me is individual psychotherapy for men whose fear of failing sexually has started to affect their confidence, relationships or dating. It works on the fear, the self-watching and the beliefs underneath, alongside any medical check your GP recommends. You can see me in English or Danish, in central Copenhagen or by video.
It is part of my wider men’s sexuality therapy, focused on one cycle: fear, self-watching and the body’s reaction.
When should I come to you about performance anxiety?
Come when the fear has started to change what you do: avoiding dates, drinking first or dreading closeness. One difficult night does not need therapy. A pattern that has lasted weeks or months does, and your own worry is reason enough.
In 22 years of practice, I have learned that the earlier the cycle is understood, the less room it has to grow. I would look at how far it has spread into your life and confidence.
Can therapy help with erection problems?
Often, when anxiety is part of the cause. Erection problems can also have physical causes, so please see your GP first. I am a psychotherapist, not a doctor, and I cannot promise results. What I can offer is serious work on the fear that keeps the problem going.
In my clinical experience, even when there is a physical factor, the fear that grows around it often becomes the bigger problem. I would focus with you on loosening that fear.
Will talking about it not make me even more self-conscious?
Usually the opposite happens. Keeping the subject secret gives it more power. Saying it out loud to someone who is calm about it tends to shrink it.
I take a matter-of-fact, respectful approach. We talk about the fear and what you feel, not about anything explicit. Most men tell me the first session was easier than they expected.
Why does the fear get worse the harder I try to stop it?
Because effort and fear feed each other. The more you try to force a response, the more you watch yourself, and the more you watch, the less present you are. Your partner may sense the tension and become careful, which you read as doubt. The cycle tightens without anyone meaning it to.
I help you see your part in that cycle and what it is trying to protect. Then we practise the opposite of effort: slowing down, paying attention to the other person and letting go of the outcome.
What will we actually talk about when we first meet?
We talk about what is happening now and how it affects your life: your dating, your relationship, your mood and your sense of yourself. I ask what you have tried and what you hope for. You leave with my first reading of the cycle and a suggested way forward.
You do not need to prepare or find perfect words. Book your first session when it suits you, or start with a free discovery call.
How many sessions does performance anxiety usually take?
I usually recommend a first course of sessions over a few months, weekly or every second week. When the fear is recent, that is often enough to change the cycle. When it is tied to older shame or a long history of pressure, it takes longer.
Based on 22 years of practice, I prefer a clear first stretch that we review honestly, rather than open-ended sessions without direction.
Should I tell my partner, or come on my own first?
Most men start on their own, and I think that is usually right. It gives you space to understand the fear before you explain it to someone else. Online sessions work well too, if privacy or distance makes coming to my practice hard.
If the problem has become a strain between you, we can talk about bringing your partner in later, through couples work or a joint session. I help you decide when it makes sense.
What does performance anxiety therapy with you cost?
Each session is a 1-hour appointment of individual psychotherapy, with 50 minutes of therapy. My prices page always shows the current price. Payment is by invoice and bank transfer.
Expecting several sessions? A bundle saves you 10 per cent and builds in a structured plan. The bundle choices are set out on therapy discounts and bundles. Pay by same-day transfer from a Danish bank account and you save a further 3 per cent.
How do I book performance anxiety therapy with you?
Book your first session online, or request a free 30-minute discovery call if you want to ask questions first. You do not need to explain anything in detail.
If you cannot find a suitable time, or something feels urgent, contact me directly. For acute situations, I keep a little room in my calendar, usually within days. Take the first step, and we will start from where you are.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
Explore other services I offer
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