At a glance
A toxic relationship is a pattern that reliably leaves one or both partners worse off. What separates it from a hard patch is whether repair still works after an argument. Where one person keeps the other in line through fear, the pattern is abuse and repair proves nothing.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- Ask what the word means. When somebody tells me that their relationship or the partner is toxic, I ask what they are afraid the answer means.
- Who does the adjusting. I have found over the years that the partner who worries most about being the difficult one is usually the one doing most of the adjusting.
- Laughter shows contact. When a couple can still laugh at themselves in the room, I am usually hopeful, whatever they came in saying.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
What does a toxic relationship mean?
A toxic relationship is one that costs you more than it gives back, again and again.
- No diagnosis. The term appears in no diagnostic manual, and no therapist tests you for it.
- What the word does well. It names harm that people talk themselves out of.
- What the word does badly. It turns a pattern into a personality, and once somebody is the toxic one there is nothing left to work on.
- The better question. What do you both do when it goes wrong, and does anything make it better?
Read more about red flags in a relationship.
How do I tell a hard patch from a relationship doing harm?
Repair is the dividing line: after a bad argument, one of you comes back and changes something.
- The research. The Gottman Institute reports that stable, happy couples showed about 5 positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.
- What the figure means. It is an average across a research sample and no verdict on your relationship.
- A hard patch. A relationship in a hard patch still repairs itself, badly and slowly.
- Harm. A relationship doing harm has stopped trying.
- Where the test ends. Where one person is frightened of the other, apologies and good spells are a common part of the pattern, and they are no evidence against it.
Which patterns do couples therapists watch for?
The Gottman Institute names 4 patterns: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
- Criticism. One partner attacks the other at the core of their character, where a complaint would address what they did.
- Defensiveness. The reflex is to find an excuse and play the innocent victim.
- Stonewalling. One partner shuts down and no longer responds.
- Contempt. Sarcasm, mockery, name calling and the eye roll come from feeling morally above your partner, and the Gottman Institute singles contempt out as the greatest predictor of divorce.
Once these patterns settle in, the argument stops being about its subject. Read more about why the same argument keeps coming back.
When is it abuse and no longer a relationship problem?
When one person keeps the other in line through fear, that is abuse.
- Coercive control. Women’s Aid defines coercive control as an intentional pattern of behaviour over time, used by one person to exert power, control or coercion over another.
- What it looks like. Cutting someone off from friends and family, monitoring their phone and movements, controlling money, deciding who they see, persistent humiliation and threats.
- The effect. Women’s Aid describes invisible chains and a sense of fear that runs through everything.
- My position. Abuse is not a couples therapy problem, and working on communication where one person fears the other makes things more dangerous.
If your reality is being rewritten where it used to be argued with, read more about what gaslighting looks like in a relationship.
How do I change a toxic pattern in my relationship?
Name the behaviour, count the repairs and change your own half of the loop.
- Describe the behaviour. “You disappear for 2 days after an argument” is workable, where “you are emotionally unavailable” is a label, and nobody changes because of one.
- Count the repairs. For one week, note every time either of you softens, apologises, makes a joke that lands or comes back into the room.
- Ask the friend question. If somebody you love described this relationship to you exactly as it is, what would you say back?
- Notice your body. Dread before your partner comes home and relief when they go away tell you how most evenings feel.
- Change your half. A loop needs both people, so a change in your half often shifts the whole.
Counting repairs tells you nothing if you are afraid of your partner. There, the question is what you are no longer allowed to do. Read more about living around a partner’s moods.
These steps fail when neither of you comes back after an argument, or when one of you will not look at their own part. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
Does a toxic relationship ever become a good one?
It changes when both people take responsibility for their own half. A relationship where one person needs the other small does not change on its own.
Is my partner toxic, or am I too sensitive?
Being easily hurt and being treated badly often sit together, so the choice between them is false. Ask whether you are able to say you are hurt and be heard.
Is couples therapy right for a toxic relationship?
Yes, if you are describing a pattern you both fall into, and the sooner the better. Where one of you is controlled or frightened, joint work is the wrong place to start.
How do I know if I should leave?
Nobody answers that for you, and I would not trust a therapist who tried. Therapy makes the choice informed, so you stay or leave knowing what the pattern is.
Is one person able to change a toxic pattern alone?
You change your own half, and that often shifts the whole pattern, because a loop needs both people. You cannot make your partner willing to look at their part.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling
- The Gottman Institute, The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
- Women’s Aid, What is coercive control?
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
