At a glance
Love bombing is an overwhelming rush of attention early on that builds dependence fast and is then withdrawn or switched on and off. Plenty of good relationships begin fast and stay warm, so you recognise the pattern by what happens next. You test it by slowing down and watching what a small no produces.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- The perfect beginning. My clients usually arrive saying the beginning was perfect, butterflies and all, and they cannot understand what they did to lose it.
- Editing their own account. The strongest sign is in how much editing my clients do to themselves while describing it.
- Slow the labelling down. Deciding what somebody is tends to end the connection in the room, and what actually helps is looking at the sequence and at what it cost both people.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is an intense, fast campaign of attention at the start of a relationship that creates closeness and dependence faster than either of you could build them honestly. What makes it love bombing is the job the attention does.
- Access. The attention buys a place in your days, your plans and your phone before you have agreed to give one.
- Speed. A future is sketched out before you have met each other’s friends.
- The benefit of the doubt. The gifts purchase your willingness to overlook the next thing.
- Opening moves. Roxy Zarrabi, describing the pattern, lists future faking, excessive flattery and demands for constant contact.
- Then the reversal. Once you are attached, the warmth is withdrawn or switched on and off.
Is an intense start always love bombing?
No, an intense beginning on its own is evidence of nothing. The word gets reached for the moment somebody disappoints, and used that way it flattens ordinary human behaviour into a diagnosis.
- Direction. A healthy fast start slows into something steadier, and this pattern reverses.
- Room. Love makes room for your friends, your work and your own judgement, and this competes with them.
- Response to a boundary. A person who is simply keen is disappointed and fine when you decline something.
- Without intent. Somebody frightened of being left sometimes does everything at once with no manipulation in it, and the effect on you still needs slowing down.
What are the stages of love bombing?
The pattern is usually described in 3 stages: idealisation, devaluation and discard. That description comes from clinical and popular writing and no validated measure stands behind it, so use it as a shape to recognise.
- Idealisation. Grand gestures, rapid escalation, and plans for a shared future very early.
- Devaluation. The warmth becomes intermittent, small deniable criticism appears, and you work to get back to how it was.
- Why the middle holds you. Unpredictable warmth is far stickier than steady warmth.
- Discard. The relationship ends abruptly, with very little engagement and no accountability.
- Hoovering. Sometimes the cycle restarts with a fresh round of attention.
Plenty of difficult relationships do not run in that order, and running in that order does not settle what anybody is. Read more about why a partner runs hot and cold and gaslighting in a relationship.
Who love bombs, and why?
The little research there is links love bombing to narcissistic traits, and also to low self-esteem and insecure attachment. Strutzenberg and colleagues surveyed 484 college students aged 18 to 30 at one American university. One survey of students is a thin base for a claim about anybody, and it is the main evidence there is.
- Association, no diagnosis. A list of behaviours does not make a partner diagnosable, by you or by me from a description.
- What you are able to judge. The effect the relationship is having on your life is in front of you.
- What I do in the room. I help you look at what happened, in order, and at what it did to you, and I do not tell you what your partner is.
If you are years on and still explaining away the early part, take that seriously. People in this pattern are often talked out of trusting themselves because the beginning was so good.
How do you tell love bombing from love, and what do you do?
You stop asking whether they mean it and watch what happens when you say no. Four questions do more work than any list of signs, and then you slow the relationship down, which is the one intervention that tests it.
- Disagreement. What happens when you disagree about something as small as a restaurant?
- Your world. Has it got bigger or smaller since this began? Count the people you have seen lately.
- The invoice. Do the gestures come with obligation, reminders of what they did for you, and an expectation of gratitude?
- Your story. Are you told that you alone understand them, and that everybody before you was mad?
- Decline one small thing. An evening, a call, a plan you did not agree to, and then watch the response.
- Keep your own life running. See your friends and keep your work and your own judgement in use.
- Say the timeline out loud. Describe what happened, in order, to one person you trust.
If most of those answers are uncomfortable, you have enough to slow down without deciding what the person is. If what followed the first phase is being controlled, monitored, isolated or frightened, that is past the subject of this article, and couples therapy is the wrong room for it.
These steps fail when you edit your own account as fast as you give it, or when the warmth returns and the questions stop. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
How long does love bombing usually last?
Descriptions of the pattern put the first phase at weeks to a few months. That is a rough guide from clinical writing, and the length matters far less than what follows it.
Is it possible to love bomb without meaning to?
Yes, and it is more common than the internet suggests. Fear of being left produces the same rush with no plan behind it.
Is love bombing a sign of narcissism?
It is associated with narcissistic traits in the research that exists, which is mostly student surveys. It is also associated with low self-esteem and insecure attachment.
What should I do if I think it is happening now?
Slow the relationship down without announcing it as a test. Keep your own life running and describe the timeline out loud to one person you trust.
Was the good beginning real?
The beginning happened, and so did what followed it. Look at the whole sequence in order before you settle on either half.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- Strutzenberg, C., Wiersma-Mosley, J. D., Jozkowski, K. N. and Becnel, J. N., Love-bombing: A Narcissistic Approach to Relationship Formation, Discovery, 2017
- Zarrabi, R., The 3 Essential Stages of Love Bombing, Psychology Today, 29 June 2024
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
