Long-distance relationship: why the reunion is the hard part

Does a long distance relationship last?

A long distance relationship lasts about as often as one where you live nearby. The 2 usual verdicts, that distance kills a relationship and that it makes the heart grow fonder, both treat the separation as the test.

• Higher quality. In a study of 870 people, those at a distance reported higher relationship quality and more dedication than those whose partners were nearby.
• Less held in place. They also felt less kept in the relationship by circumstances.
• More confident. They believed they were less likely to break up than the nearby couples believed.
• Same rate. By the follow-up they had broken up at the same rate.

Distance is no handicap, and it gives no protection either. Plenty of good relationships have a year or 2 of it in them, and living in different countries says nothing about how committed you are.

Why is the reunion the hard part of a long distance relationship?

The reunion is hard because you gain each other and lose your own time in the same week. Most couples plan the distance in detail, the flights, the calls and the visits, and plan the reunion not at all.

• What the study found. Of 180 people whose relationships closed the distance, at least 36,6 per cent saw the relationship end afterwards.
• What goes missing. People reported losing autonomy: their own evenings, their own time, the freedom to work late without negotiating it.
• What arrives. They also reported more conflict and more jealousy.
• No disaster story. Only 7 per cent called the change wholly negative.
• The limits. The sample was American undergraduates aged about 20, and it measured only relationships that closed the distance.

What does idealisation do to a long distance relationship?

Idealisation keeps the picture of your partner accurate about good days and silent about the rest. Almost all your shared time is chosen, protected and short, so you never meet each other tired, ill or irritable about the bins.

• Stronger at a distance. In a study of dating couples, people at a distance idealised their partners more than people whose partners were nearby.
• Growing with the gaps. The less often they met face to face, the stronger the effect.
• After the move. Longer gaps and stronger idealisation went with more instability once the couple lived in the same place.
• The limit. It is one study, and it shows the 2 moving together and says nothing about cause.

Then ordinary life arrives, and the person in your flat is tired on a Tuesday. Read more about feeling disconnected from your partner.

What changes when one of you moves to Copenhagen for the other?

The partner who moves loses work, language and friends at the moment they most need a life of their own.

• Autonomy lost twice. The loss the research describes lands much harder on the side that moved.
• Mistaken for the relationship. One person has no life of their own yet, and both of you read that as a problem between you.
• Guilt on one side. The partner who stayed put feels responsible and stops saying what they have lost.
• Silence on the other. The partner who moved thinks complaint is not allowed.
• A culture each. One of you has “gained a culture”, and the other has lost one.

Read more about missing home after a move abroad and therapy in your second language.

How do you make a long distance relationship work, and the reunion after it?

You make the ordinary version of each of you visible during the distance, and you agree the reunion before the move.

• Set a real end date. A date, where you are able to have one, makes the distance easier to carry than an open horizon.
• Keep contact ordinary. A dull 10 minutes about your day lets the boring version of you be seen.
• Visit on a working day. A weekend that is entirely an event teaches you nothing about living together.
• Keep your own life. Whoever puts their own life on hold arrives at the reunion resentful.
• Agree your evenings. Decide how many evenings a week each of you keeps for yourself.
• Divide the flat. Decide who is responsible for what before the boxes arrive.
• Plan the first argument. Decide what you will do when the first serious argument happens in the same room.

It is a great deal easier to agree something in advance than to unpick it afterwards.

These steps fail when the end date keeps moving, or when the relationship only works at a distance. That is what the session is for.

Questions people ask

How long does a long distance relationship realistically last?

There is no measured limit. The better question is whether it has a real end date.

Do most long distance relationships fail?

No, they break up at the same rate as relationships where partners live nearby. The risk gathers after the reunion.

Why did everything get harder once you moved in together?

Ordinary life arrived. You lost autonomy and gained conflict, and almost nobody is told that this is normal.

Does couples therapy help before the distance closes?

Yes, and it is usually easier before than after. You agree your time, the practical load and the first real argument before you unpack.

Is living in different countries a sign of low commitment?

No. People at a distance report more dedication than people whose partners live nearby.

Sources

• Kelmer and colleagues, Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long-distance relationships, Family Process, 2013
• Stafford, Merolla and Castle, When long-distance dating partners become geographically close, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2006
• Stafford and Merolla, Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2007

How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.