At a glance
Feeling disconnected from your partner is the sum of hundreds of small turnings away, most of them not meant unkindly. Distance built out of small things is worked on through small things, and those are available to you today. What decides the direction is whether either of you still reaches, and what happens when you do.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- Lonely is the word. Time and again, the word clients use in my therapy room is “lonely”, and they usually apologise for saying it.
- The ordinary Tuesday. When I ask a couple to describe an ordinary Tuesday, the distance shows up in the answer faster than in any account of their arguments.
- A real question moves first. What moves first in my therapy room is one person asking a real question, and staying present, often with my help, until an actual answer comes.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
Why do I feel so disconnected from my partner?
Because both of you got busy, and busy is what distance is made of when it goes on for long enough. Nobody withdrew on purpose. One of you says something small, the other answers without looking up, and the next small thing goes unsaid.
- Talk turns logistical. Conversations cover who collects, who pays and what is for dinner, and nothing else.
- Charged subjects get avoided. Each of you steers round the topics that once led somewhere difficult.
- Shared activities drop away. The things you did together stop, and nobody decides that they should.
- Affection feels obligatory. The kiss at the door becomes a routine neither of you is present for.
- Confiding moves elsewhere. What matters gets told to friends or family, and your partner hears it last.
Most couples who are drifting recognise several of these and have never said so out loud.
Where does the distance come from?
The distance comes from one of 3 places, and each needs a different answer.
- Ordinary life. Work, money, small children, a move or an illness in the family eat the time in which a relationship is maintained.
- Something undealt with. Something happened that was never properly dealt with, and the distance is what both of you agreed to put over it.
- Different settings. The pair of you want different amounts of closeness, and the one who wants less is at their normal setting.
- After a baby. The Gottman Institute reports that almost 2 in 3 couples in its own research described a drop in relationship satisfaction in the 3 years after a baby arrived.
- Who held steady. The couples in that research who did not decline shared the transition, kept a strong friendship and treated the newborn as a joint job.
If you come home with nothing left most days, read more about depression that keeps functioning.
Is feeling disconnected a phase or a pattern?
A phase ends when one of you reaches and the other reaches back, and a pattern survives it.
- The test. Say that you feel far away and watch what changes over the following weeks.
- In a phase. Your partner hears it, something small shifts, and the shift holds.
- In a pattern. Your partner agrees, the week fills up again, and nothing moves.
- Loneliness. I take the word lonely literally: loneliness inside a marriage is its own kind, and company does not cure it.
If this has gone on for years, read more about growing apart in a relationship.
Does distance mean I chose the wrong person?
No, distance is the default state of 2 busy people and says nothing about the match.
- Who stays close. The couples who stay close are the ones doing something about it, and they were no better suited than you.
- Hot and cold is different. Distance is quiet and mutual, whereas warmth that switches on and off is another pattern with another answer.
- Lonely is different. If lonely fits better than distant, the subject is you as much as the relationship.
Read more about a partner who runs hot and cold and about being lonely with people around you.
How do you stop feeling disconnected and find the way back?
Start with attention, and leave the conversation about the relationship until the attention is back.
- Ask one real question a day. Wait for the whole answer.
- Add one sentence. For one week, answer every question your partner asks with one more sentence than you were going to.
- Put the phone in another room. Give your partner a stretch of the evening with nothing else in it.
- Say the small thing. Say what you would normally not bother saying.
- Fix one thing in the week. A walk on the same day, or coffee before the house wakes up, that nobody fills with admin.
- Say it out loud once. Relate advises that being honest with one another is crucial to understanding what you face, and that it helps to choose where and how the conversation happens.
- Describe yourself. “I have been feeling far away from you and I do not like it” lands differently from “you never talk to me any more”.
If you are the only one doing any of this, notice that and do not work harder at it. The experiment shows what is there. The repair does not belong to whoever noticed the problem first.
These steps fail when only one of you reaches, or when something that was never dealt with sits under the distance. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
Is it normal to feel distant from your partner?
Yes, most long relationships have periods of distance. The couples who do well notice it earlier.
How do I bring it up without starting a fight?
Describe yourself and leave your partner’s faults out of it. Choose the time and the place yourself, away from the worst moment of the day.
What if my partner says everything is fine?
Take it as their honest reading. Say what you notice, ask for one specific change, and see what happens over a few weeks.
Can closeness come back after years of this?
Often, because the habits that produce closeness are small and are there to pick up again. For some couples something else is in the way and has to be dealt with first.
How long does it take before it feels different?
Nobody can give you a number. The pace depends on whether both of you are doing something about it, and on how much else is going on in the week.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- The Gottman Institute, Romantic Relationships Take a Dive After Baby Arrives
- Relate, My relationship is making me sad
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
