At a glance
The Gottman method gives you a precise vocabulary for what happens between you in a bad argument. It rests on close observation of couples, and most of that research predicts outcomes and does not test treatment. It describes what the pair of you do, and it leaves open why the pair of you, in particular, keep doing it.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- The horsemen describe. The four horsemen land well in a first session because they describe rather than accuse, and couples tend to recognise themselves quickly.
- Vocabulary as a weapon. Where a couple has read the books first, the vocabulary tends to be used as a weapon for a while before it becomes useful.
- Something unexpected. What changes an “educated argument” in practice is one person doing something unexpected while the other is still braced for the usual.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
What is the Gottman method?
The Gottman method is a couples therapy built on watching couples closely and coding what they do, second by second. John Gottman and colleagues built an apartment laboratory at the University of Washington in 1986, and from 1994 he worked with Julie Schwartz Gottman on the framework, as the Gottman Institute sets out.
- The Love Lab. Couples lived in the apartment while researchers observed which behaviours went with which outcome.
- Sound Relationship House. This is the theory the therapy is built on, with friendship as the foundation.
- The four horsemen. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
- Bids and turning. One of you reaches for the other, and the other turns towards, away or against.
That is an unusual amount of observation for a field that otherwise relies on what people report about themselves afterwards.
Does the Gottman method work?
The observational research is strong, and the evidence that the therapy changes outcomes is thinner. Prediction and treatment are different claims. A model that sorts couples accurately does not show that changing those behaviours changes the outcome.
- The accuracy claim. The Institute’s own summary is that it predicted divorce with an average of over 90 per cent accuracy, replicated across 7 longitudinal studies.
- The independent test. Researchers tested the models on 85 community couples from at-risk backgrounds, and the major findings failed to replicate.
- How far it fell short. Only 2 of 22 affective processes predicted whether those couples stayed together.
- The fair reading. The figure shows how well the models sorted the couples they were built from, and it says nothing about what a therapist sees in you in a first meeting.
One study on one population does not demolish a method. I am wary of the accuracy figure even when it is quoted in my favour.
Where does the Gottman method stop?
The Gottman method stops in 3 places: at the reason for the behaviour, at the edge of the population it studied, and where one partner controls the other.
- Why this couple. Contempt is a fact about a Tuesday evening, and the method does not tell you why these 2 people arrived at it.
- Who was watched. Most of the coding came from heterosexual American couples, although there is published work with gay and lesbian couples.
- A second language. Culture, language and migration change how conflict is expressed, and the method says almost nothing about a marriage conducted in somebody’s second language.
- Control. The horsemen describe behaviour between equals, and where one person controls the other, better speaking and listening makes the controlled partner easier to manage.
For the reason behind the behaviour you need an account of what each of you learned to expect. Read more about attachment style and about gaslighting in a relationship.
Which parts of the Gottman method are worth using?
The four horsemen, the bid and repair are the parts worth using in an ordinary week. I am not a certified Gottman therapist and I do not work to its protocol. I use these 3 parts of its vocabulary inside my own way of working.
- The four horsemen. One of you says the word stonewalling, both of you know what is meant, and the argument about what just happened is over.
- Turning towards a bid. Nothing else gives a couple something that small and specific to change on a Wednesday.
- Repair. Couples who argue badly and repair well do better than couples who argue politely and never repair.
Take the tools and hold the certainty loosely. Read more about the four horsemen, and what they miss.
How do you use the Gottman method without making things worse?
You use the vocabulary on yourself before you use it on your partner. A shared vocabulary arrives before the discipline to use it well. For a while each of you names what the other is doing, and neither of you stops doing it.
- Name your own horseman. Say which one you are doing, while you are doing it.
- Leave theirs alone. Correctly diagnosing your partner in the middle of an argument is a move in the argument.
- Turn towards one bid. Answer one small reach from your partner today, out loud.
- Watch the repair. After an argument, notice who comes back first and how, and do it sooner next time.
- Do something unexpected. Change one thing you always do while your partner is still braced for the usual.
Read more about why the same argument keeps coming back.
These steps fail when naming a horseman has become a weapon between you, and when one of you controls the other. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
Does Mark Colclough use the Gottman method?
I use parts of its vocabulary every week, and I am not a certified Gottman therapist. I do not work to a fixed protocol.
Is the 90 per cent accuracy figure real?
It is the Institute’s own summary across its studies. The models sorted the couples they were built from very well, and an independent test on a different sample largely did not reproduce it.
Are the four horsemen a diagnosis?
No, they are 4 behaviours and everybody does some of them. What matters is how often, how fast it escalates, and whether repair follows.
Does the Gottman method work if English is not our first language?
The scripts do not always travel, because a phrase that sounds soft in one language lands hard in another. Whether the observations hold in a second language has not been tested, so I claim nothing either way.
Should you read the Gottman books yourselves?
Yes, and expect the first weeks to be worse. That stage passes faster if you only ever use the words about yourself.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- The Gottman Institute, Research
- Kim, H. K., Capaldi, D. M. and Crosby, L., Generalizability of Gottman and Colleagues’ Affective Process Models of Couples’ Relationship Outcomes, Journal of Marriage and Family, 2007
- Garanzini, S. and colleagues, Results of Gottman Method Couples Therapy with Gay and Lesbian Couples, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2017
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
