At a glance
Finding the right therapist means choosing someone properly trained, who explains how they work, and with whom you are honest. You ask questions, you disagree, and you say when something has missed the point. Warmth helps, and so does a clear sense of what you are working towards.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- Chemistry comes first for clients. I have learned that my clients care most about the chemistry, far more than about my qualifications.
- Say what works. I ask my clients to tell me directly what is working and what is not.
- The question rarely asked. The question I wish people asked more before starting is: do you have any expectations on my behalf?
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
Why does the fit with a therapist matter so much?
A stronger working relationship between client and therapist goes together with better outcomes. Researchers call it the therapeutic alliance: the bond between you and your therapist, and your agreement about the goals and the work. A review of 295 studies involving more than 30,000 clients found that a stronger alliance was associated with better outcomes.
- You are listened to. You feel heard, and you do not feel managed.
- You agree on the work. You and the therapist agree, at least roughly, on what you are working on.
- Disagreement is survivable. You disagree, or say that something did not help, and the conversation carries on.
- The work is explained. The therapist explains what they are doing in words you understand.
The finding does not prove that rapport alone causes improvement, or that the method does not matter. Chemistry tells you whether you are able to talk to somebody; training tells you whether they are equipped to help with this.
What should I check before booking?
Check the qualifications behind the title, because in Denmark psychologist is a protected title and psychotherapist is not. The title rules are set out by Dansk Psykolog Forening and Videnscenter for Psykoterapi.
- Training. Ask about the length and level of training and the supervised practice behind it.
- Experience. Ask what experience they have with this kind of difficulty.
- Supervision. Ask whether they have regular supervision.
- Membership. If the therapist lists a professional membership, check what it means and whether it is current.
- Terms. Ask how often you would meet, the fees and the cancellation terms.
- Language. Ask which languages the work happens in, and what happens if you want to switch in the middle of a session.
- Confidentiality. Ask what is confidential, what gets written down, and who else ever sees it.
You should get plain answers and time to consider them. Read more about therapy in your second language.
How do I know if the first sessions are working?
The therapist has understood why you came and explains what the 2 of you will work on. A first session brings relief, discomfort or both, and none of these feelings on its own tells you whether the therapy is useful.
- Your pace. You describe what is happening for you without being pushed to disclose more than you are ready to share.
- A shared aim. You know how the 2 of you will decide what to work on and how progress gets reviewed.
- A useful challenge. When the therapist challenges you, it helps you think, and it leaves room for your response.
- A dismissal. You feel waved away, and there is no room to answer.
- Chemistry. Look for it from the first moment of the session.
How does a couple choose a therapist together?
Both of you need a fair hearing from a therapist with specific training in couples work. A fair hearing does not mean treating every action as equally reasonable or dividing responsibility down the middle.
- Ask about training. Ask what training they have in couples work, such as emotion-focused couples therapy.
- Ask about the hard moment. Ask how they respond when one partner feels misunderstood.
- Say what each of you wants. Your hopes differ, and that difference belongs in the first session.
- One of you is unsure. If one of you doubts that the marriage will continue, one honest outside view is a fair thing to want from the first sessions.
- Your partner stays away. Coming alone lets you explore your own concerns and choices.
Read more about emotion-focused couples therapy and couples therapy alone.
When is it time to try someone else?
Leave when a concern you raise is repeatedly brushed aside.
- No clear explanation. You ask what the work is, and you do not get an answer you understand.
- Pressure to continue. You feel pushed to keep booking.
- Crossed boundaries. You meet behaviour that crosses professional boundaries.
- Poor treatment. You do not owe anyone a trial period if they treat you badly.
- No permission needed. You change therapist at any point without persuading the therapist that your reasons are good enough.
How do I change a therapy that is not working?
Tell the therapist directly what is not working, and watch what they do with it.
- Write it down. After a session, make a brief note of what helped and what felt wrong or unclear.
- Bring one point. Raise a single point next time.
- Say it plainly. “When you said that, I felt you had missed what I was trying to explain.”
- Watch the response. A therapist who hears it and adjusts has shown you how the work will go.
- Give uncertainty time. If you feel safe but unsure, a few more sessions give you more to judge.
- Be wary of deafness. Be wary of anybody who is unable to hear that something went wrong.
These steps fail when the therapist does not hear you, however plainly you say it. Then you leave, and saying what you need is what the first session with the next therapist is for.
Questions people ask
How many sessions should I give a new therapist?
Give it a few sessions if you feel safe but uncertain. You are free to leave sooner.
Is it rude to leave a therapist?
No. You explain your reasons if you want to, and you do not need the therapist’s agreement to stop.
What should I ask a therapist before booking?
Ask about relevant qualifications, supervision, experience with your concerns, fees and cancellation terms. Also ask how you would review whether the work is helping.
Does it matter if my therapist is a psychologist or a psychotherapist?
Yes, the qualifications and professional requirements differ. In Denmark, psychologist is a protected title and psychotherapist is not, so check the person’s training.
Can I tell from the first call if a therapist is right for me?
A call shows you how the therapist listens and whether the arrangements suit you. You learn more about working together during sessions.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- Flückiger, Del Re, Wampold and Horvath, The alliance in adult psychotherapy: a meta-analytic synthesis, Psychotherapy, 2018
- Videnscenter for Psykoterapi, Hvem udøver psykoterapi?
- Dansk Psykolog Forening, Titelbeskyttelse
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
