At a glance
An emotional affair is a close relationship with someone else that is kept secret, given the time and honesty your partner is not given, and defended when it is questioned. No sex is needed for it to do damage. The damage comes from the secrecy, and the secrecy is the part that has to stop.
Clinical insights from 20+ years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 20+ years in practice.
- Friendship, then another word. The word people reach for first is usually friendship, and the word they reach for second, once the room is quiet, is usually something else.
- What hurts the most. It is hearing that the other person knew something the partner in the room did not.
- Past the definition. Couples who get through this are most often the ones who stop arguing about the definition and start describing what each of them actually needs to feel secure.
Clinical notes: These observations are anonymous and compounded from session notes since 2004.
What makes it an emotional affair and not a friendship?
Secrecy, emotional intimacy and defensiveness, and they tend to arrive together.
- Secrecy. Your partner does not know the whole of it.
- Emotional intimacy. This person gets the version of you your partner used to get.
- Defensiveness. It is what happens when anyone asks about it.
- The dinner test. A friendship usually survives being described honestly at dinner, and an emotional affair usually does not.
- A rule of thumb. People keep some friendships private for perfectly good reasons, so the test is a guide and no diagnosis.
If you would not say it in front of your partner, it has stopped being a friendship.
Do most people count an emotional affair as cheating?
Yes, a large majority in one national American survey did. The iFidelity survey, run by YouGov in 2019, is reported by the Institute for Family Studies.
- In real life. 76 per cent of 2.000 American adults said a married person having a secret emotional relationship in real life is a form of infidelity.
- Online. 72 per cent said the same about a secret emotional relationship online.
- Married respondents. Among the married people in the sample the figures were higher, at 80 and 76 per cent.
- What the survey leaves open. It does not tell you where the line is in your relationship; that is yours to settle.
The person who is hurt is being reasonable in minding something that never got physical. Most people mind.
How does an emotional affair start?
Rarely with a decision. The Gottman Institute describes a cascade that starts with a bid for attention.
- The bid. One partner reaches out in a small way.
- The turning away. The other turns away or turns against, and over time the reaching stops.
- The safe house. Somebody else is interested, easy to talk to, and not tired of you.
- The omission. Secrets begin with omission, the Institute notes, and the inconsistencies and the lies come after.
- The ground it grows in. Relate lists disconnection, feeling unloved, an imbalance in the relationship, and low self-esteem that makes another person’s attention hard to refuse.
None of that excuses it. All of it explains why willpower alone is a poor plan. Read more about a partner who runs hot and cold.
What do I do if I think my partner is having one?
Say what you have noticed, and leave out what you have concluded.
- Describe, do not rule. “The phone is face down. You go quiet when the name comes up. I want to know what this is.”
- A flat denial is information. If you get a denial and the behaviour does not change, that tells you something too.
- No proof required. You do not have to prove anything to be entitled to a straight answer.
- Leave the phone alone. Reading messages gives you fragments, out of context, that you cannot unread, and the next argument becomes about the phone.
- Ask out loud. Asking the question, and treating the answer or the refusal as information, gets you further.
Read more about jealousy in a relationship.
How do I end an emotional affair and repair the damage?
Tell your partner before they find out, then change the arrangement and stop promising harder.
- Ask what you are protecting. If you find yourself deleting messages, the deleting is information, and better information than any definition.
- Tell before discovery. A discovery adds the concealment to the thing that was concealed.
- Discovery is a harder start. Couples do come through a discovery; it is a harder start and no closed door.
- End the secrecy. The secrecy is the one thing that is not negotiable; everything else is, including whether the friendship carries on at all.
- Make it visible. Fewer messages your partner knows nothing about, and no separate account for it.
- Compare 2 lists. Each of you writes down 3 behaviours you count as crossing the line before you discuss any of them.
- Describe what you need. Stop arguing about the definition and say what each of you needs to feel secure.
A promise without a change is a way of keeping the thing. Comparing 2 lists is a conversation; ruling on an incident is a court case. Read more about what recovery after an affair asks of you.
These steps fail when the 2 of you are stuck on whether it even counts, and each conversation turns into a trial. That is what the session is for.
Questions people ask
Is an emotional affair worse than a physical one?
Neither is reliably worse, and it depends on the couple. Many people find the emotional version harder, because the closeness is what they thought was theirs.
Is an emotional affair with a colleague common?
Yes, in my experience work is the commonest setting. Proximity and shared problems do the work that an introduction would otherwise have to.
Does it count if you never met in person?
For most people in the survey, yes. 72 per cent counted a secret emotional relationship conducted online as infidelity.
Should I read my partner’s messages?
No, reading them gives you a worse version of the truth: fragments, out of context, that you cannot unread. Your concern stays legitimate, and asking the question out loud gets you further.
Does a relationship recover from an emotional affair?
Often, provided the secrecy stops. What has to change is the arrangement as well as the intention.
You may also find these helpful
Sources
- Institute for Family Studies, What Counts as Cheating in Marriage? Emotional Infidelity in a National Sample, reporting the iFidelity survey of 2.000 adults run by YouGov in 2019
- The Gottman Institute, How Do Affairs Happen?
- Relate, Why do people cheat?
How this article was written. I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. Nothing is published until I have read it, corrected it and stood behind every clinical statement in it. The professional and clinical judgement is mine and mine alone.
