Masterclass in recurring conflict
Three sessions on the argument you keep having
Built around the 2 of you, and it begins with a call before we meet
Why the same argument keeps coming back
In this short video, I explain why the argument you have already settled 20 times keeps returning, and what I do about it across 3 focused sessions.
You can also send me an email
At a glance
Masterclass in recurring conflict. This is designed for 2 people who keep having the same argument and cannot make the resolution hold.
- Three 2 hour sessions with me, custom-built around your relationship rather than delivered from a script.
- A free 30 minute onboarding call on Zoom with both of you, where we align expectations and goals before the first session.
- A complimentary 30 minute Zoom follow-up approximately one month after completion, to see what has stayed with you and whether any adjustments are needed.
- 10.300 DKK including VAT.
Across 3 sessions, I map the sequence that keeps taking over. I will show you the critical moment when disagreement becomes the familiar conflict, help you understand what each of you is protecting beneath criticism or withdrawal, and teach you how to interrupt the cycle before it gathers force. We also separate problems that can be solved from differences that need to be managed. Because we agree the focus during our opening call, the masterclass is shaped around your particular pattern and needs.
You can book the masterclass now, or read the other 2 masterclasses first: the masterclass in communication and the masterclass in intimacy. Terms and conditions are explained further down this page. If you are not sure which of the 3 fits you, request a call and I will tell you honestly.
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Meet Mark, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist specialising in expats and international couples. I work in English and Danish, from my practice in central Copenhagen and online.
Practising since 2004, I bring a bicultural perspective to work with individuals and couples across languages and cultural contexts. My work integrates depth-oriented psychotherapy with approaches such as integral psychotherapy, Gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, and object relations theory. I also have specialist training in attachment theory, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.
For support with life between cultures, explore expat psychotherapy or expat couples therapy. My practice is supported by ongoing training and supervision. To read more about my background, training, and approach, visit About me.
The importance of supervision
Good therapy begins with good supervision
I regularly meet with experienced senior psychotherapists in Denmark and abroad to reflect on my work, challenge my thinking, and continue developing my skills. This ongoing process supports the quality of my individual and couples therapy, helping me offer thoughtful, ethical, and effective care.
My focus is simple: excellence, integrity, and impact.
Masterclass in recurring conflict: when is it the right fit?
You both know how it ends before it has begun, and you have it anyway.
You do not need to have reached a crisis to come and see me. An argument that will not stay settled is reason enough, and the fact that you have both tried hard to stop it is not evidence that you are failing. It is evidence that willpower is the wrong tool. In more than 21 years of practice I have almost never met a recurring argument that was really about its subject.
My professional view is that a repeating argument is a cycle with 2 parts, and each part triggers the other. One of you presses, because silence feels like being abandoned. The other withdraws, because pressure feels like being attacked. Both are protective, both make sense, and together they build a machine neither of you can switch off alone. In sessions I begin by slowing it down until you can both see your own half. These 3 questions will tell you whether this is your pattern.
Can you predict the whole argument before it starts?
You know your line, you know their line, you know the point where it turns and you know how the evening ends. Sometimes you can even hear yourself beginning it and cannot stop. Afterwards you patch it up, mean it, and find yourselves back there within a fortnight over something unrelated.
Predictability is good news, clinically. It means the argument has a structure, and a structure can be interrupted. What I look for is the earliest moment either of you can feel it starting, because that moment is where the work happens, not in the middle. If this is recognisable, you can book this masterclass with me.
Does one of you push for it to be resolved now while the other needs to get away?
One of you cannot rest until it is sorted, and follows it from room to room. The other reaches a point where nothing more will go in and goes quiet, factual or out of the house. Each of you then reads the other person’s behaviour as proof of the very thing you fear, that you do not matter, or that nothing you say will ever be enough.
I do not treat either of these as the fault. Both are ways of trying to keep something, and I help each of you say what you are actually protecting.
Are you arguing about something that cannot be solved?
Some arguments return because they were never solvable. How close to your families you live. How much money is safety and how much is meanness. How tidy is tidy. Whether to have another child. These are differences in what 2 people are, and treating them as problems awaiting a solution guarantees the argument comes back.
A large part of my work here is telling you honestly which of your arguments is solvable and which is a difference to be managed with respect.
Do you make up and then find it was not really settled?
You apologise, you mean it, and the evening recovers. Two weeks later the same thing arrives wearing different clothes. Between those 2 points you were closer than usual, which is exactly what makes the return of it so disheartening.
That is not failure. It is a sign the repair happened above the thing rather than to it. I slow the cycle down until we reach what it is actually about, and then the making up starts to hold, because it is fixing the right thing.
Does one of you leave the room before it is finished?
There is a point where one of you has taken in all they can. What follows is going quiet, becoming very factual, agreeing to end it without meaning it, or simply walking out. To the one still standing there it reads as contempt. To the one leaving it is the only way to stop saying something unforgivable.
Leaving is not the crime, and neither is following. I help you tell each other what the exit is for, and then we build a pause you both trust, with a time on it, so that stopping is not abandonment and staying is not a trap.
Have you started to define yourselves by this argument?
You have each taken a role in it. The unreasonable one, the cold one, the one who always starts it. After enough repetitions those stop being descriptions of a moment and start feeling like who you are, to yourself as much as to your partner.
I will not confirm either of those roles. They are positions the cycle hands out, not facts about either of you. One of the more useful things this masterclass does is give you both a way out of the part you have been cast in.
If you can name the argument that keeps returning, book the masterclass. If you are not sure it is the right shape for you, ask me for a call first.
You can also send me an email
Masterclass in recurring conflict: how the 3 sessions work
You are not buying 3 appointments. Each session has a job, and the order is the point.
Before the 3 sessions begin, we meet for a free 30 minute onboarding call on Zoom with both of you. We align expectations, agree which recurring conflict we will work on, and make sure this is the right format for what you are facing.
- First, we identify the sequence that turns disagreement into your familiar conflict.
- Then, we work with what each of you is protecting beneath criticism, pursuit, silence or withdrawal.
- Finally, we practise repair and distinguish solvable problems from differences you need to manage.
- Sessions usually take place about 2 weeks apart.
- Between every session, you will receive at least one practical exercise to complete together and return to me before the next session.
- Approximately one month after completion, we meet for a complimentary 30 minute Zoom follow-up to see what has stayed with you and whether any adjustments are needed.
This is concentrated work. I will not decide who is right, because a verdict does not change a recurring cycle. Progress depends on each of you becoming able to recognise and interrupt your own part at home.
It begins with a free 30 minute onboarding call on Zoom with both of you. It is included in the price and it is the first thing you book. On that call we align expectations and goals, agree which argument we are working on and I tell you honestly whether this is the right masterclass for what you are facing. After that, you cannot step out of a cycle you cannot yet see, so we map it before we change it. Session 1 finds the sequence, session 2 works on what sits underneath it, session 3 builds the repair and sorts the solvable from the permanent. Sessions are normally about 2 weeks apart, which gives the pattern time to show up so we have something real to look at.
One thing I will not do is decide who is right. Not because I am avoiding it, but because in a recurring argument the verdict changes nothing and you have both already tried to win it. In more than 21 years of practice, what shifts these arguments is each of you seeing your own half clearly, which is uncomfortable and quick. What I cannot supply is the willingness to interrupt yourself at home. Without that, 3 sessions will not be enough.
Session 1: map the sequence without deciding who started it
We take one recent argument and go through it in order, moment by moment. What was said, what each of you heard, what you did next. By the end you will both be able to describe the cycle as a single thing that happens to the 2 of you, rather than as something the other person does.
You leave with one thing to watch for, and no instruction to change anything yet. If that is the work you want, you can book this masterclass with me.
Session 2: work on what sits underneath
This is the working session. Under the criticism there is usually a fear, and under the silence there is usually an injury. We find them, and you each say yours out loud while the other listens without defending. That is the hardest 20 minutes of the masterclass and it is the part that changes things.
You leave with an agreement for the first 30 seconds of the next argument, which is where it is actually won or lost.
Session 3: build the repair, and sort the solvable from the permanent
We look at what happened when the pattern next showed up. Then we do 2 things: build how you come back to each other afterwards, and go through your standing arguments to say plainly which are problems to solve and which are differences to respect.
You leave with a repair you have both practised, and a shorter list of things to argue about.
Terms and conditions
These conditions apply to every booking made under this format:
- Payment is made by invoice and bank transfer before the first session. Payment confirms the complete booking.
- Once payment has been made, the booking is non-cancellable and non-refundable, except where statutory withdrawal rights apply.
- The ordinary cancellation policy does not apply to the booking as a package.
- Individual sessions may be rescheduled through the customer panel under the normal rescheduling policy.
- A late cancellation, missed appointment or no-show counts as a used session.
- All included sessions must be completed within 90 days of purchase. Any unused sessions expire unless I agree otherwise in writing.
- At least one practical exercise, and sometimes more, will be assigned between sessions. The completed work must be returned before the next session.
- Appointments outside Monday to Friday, 09:00 to 17:00 Copenhagen time carry an additional fee of 350 DKK per session.
Where checkout asks you to waive the 14-day withdrawal period, you expressly request that performance begin immediately and acknowledge that the statutory withdrawal right is lost once the service has been fully performed, to the extent permitted by law. If you validly withdraw after requested performance has begun but before full performance, a proportionate amount may remain payable for the service already supplied. Any mandatory statutory right remains unaffected. These conditions should be read alongside the Client Policy, Terms of Use, Privacy Policy, and Cookie Policy.
Frequently asked questions
What does a masterclass in recurring conflict involve?
It is a free 30 minute onboarding call on Zoom with both of you, then three 2 hour couples therapy sessions about one recurring argument, held about 2 weeks apart with practical work in between. We agree on that call which pattern we are working on and we do not widen it. The price is fixed at 10.300 DKK including VAT.
I use emotionally focused couples therapy for the cycle between you and Gottman informed work on conflict and repair for the practical part. What you get from me is a direction and a professional opinion, not a set of rules for arguing. If you want the longer piece of work instead, that is couples therapy in Copenhagen.
When should we come for this rather than ordinary couples therapy?
Come for the masterclass when you can name the argument and it keeps returning in roughly the same shape. Come for ordinary couples therapy when there is a betrayal that has not been addressed, or when several things are tangled together. Your own concern is reason enough either way.
My professional view, after more than 21 years, is that a long-running argument is usually a well-practised one, and well-practised patterns are the ones that respond fastest. What I look for is the earliest moment either of you can feel it starting.
We have had this argument for years. Can 3 sessions change it?
Often yes, and the length of time you have had it matters less than you would think. A predictable argument has a structure, and a structure can be interrupted. What I offer is that work, not a guarantee about the outcome.
What 3 sessions will not do is repair years of accumulated damage around the argument. If there is a lot of that, I will tell you at the end of session 1 and recommend the longer work instead. I would rather say it then than let you finish the masterclass disappointed.
Will you tell us who is right?
No, and that is deliberate. In an argument that keeps returning, the verdict settles nothing. You have both already made the case many times, and winning it has not stopped the argument coming back.
I will be direct about what each of you is doing that keeps the cycle running, which is not the same as neutrality. Where one person is being harmed rather than caught in a pattern, I say so plainly and I do not share out the responsibility. What you will each need to address is your own half.
One of us chases it and the other shuts down. Can you help with that?
Yes, and it is the most common shape this takes. One of you cannot rest until it is settled and follows it from room to room. The other reaches a point where nothing more will go in and goes quiet or leaves. Each move makes the other one worse.
Neither of those is the fault. Both are ways of trying to keep something. I help each of you say what you are actually protecting, and we build an agreement for the moment it starts, which usually means a pause that is genuinely a pause rather than an exit.
When is a focused masterclass in recurring conflict the wrong choice?
It is not the right format where there is violence, intimidation or coercive control; where one person is frightened of the other; where an affair or serious betrayal remains active; where addiction is active; where one of you is in crisis; or where one of you is genuinely unsure whether to remain in the relationship. Those situations need a different and often more spacious form of support.
How long does the whole masterclass take?
About 6 weeks. The 30 minute call, then 3 sessions with roughly 2 weeks between them. For this masterclass the gap matters, because the pattern needs a chance to show up so we have something real to look at. All 3 must be used within 90 days of purchase.
After more than 21 years I recommend booking all 3 appointments at the start. In busy periods my lead time runs to a few weeks. At the end of session 1 I will tell you openly whether I think 3 sessions is the right amount of work for what you have brought.
Can we do it online, or does it have to be in person?
Either, and you can mix them. I specialise in expats and international couples. We can work in English or Danish, exploring how cultural expectations and relocation pressures enter your recurring conflict. Online on Zoom works well. In person is at Møntergade 4 in central Copenhagen. For this masterclass my professional view is that session 2 goes better in the room, because that is where you each say the hard thing out loud while the other listens without defending.
What it cannot do is work with only one of you in the room. If your partner will not come, couples therapy alone is the honest alternative, and if you want open ended work rather than a fixed masterclass, that is couples therapy in Copenhagen. Tell me your situation and I will say which fits.
What does the masterclass cost, and what are the terms?
10.300 DKK including VAT for the onboarding call, all 3 sessions and the complimentary follow-up call. Appointments outside Monday to Friday, 09:00 to 17:00 Copenhagen time carry an additional 350 DKK each. Payment is required in full before the first session and is non-refundable once paid, except where statutory rights apply. All 3 sessions must be completed within 90 days. Sessions may be rescheduled through the customer panel under the applicable rescheduling policy.
What if this is not quite our problem?
If the main difficulty is that you talk but do not reach each other, the masterclass in communication may fit better. If you function well together but closeness has gone quiet, consider the masterclass in intimacy. If several issues are tangled together, ordinary couples therapy is usually the better starting point. If you are unsure, request a call and I will advise you honestly.
You can also send me an email
My approach and values
My mission
My mission is to help individuals, couples and families rediscover connection, communicate with understanding, and build a stronger, more loving relationship that can thrive through any challenge.
My vision
My vision is to create a world where every person in my therapy room feels supported, connected, and empowered to grow, and to step one step closer to your Self.
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